Best Forgotten
by obsessed1
Summary: Sheppard is forced to relive some painful memories. Shep Whump as standard.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine, but I wish it was.

Season: 2. Ford is gone but Ronan has yet to be met. Shep is still a Major.

_Don't know where this idea came from but I'm going to run with it._

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He couldn't sleep. Everything was annoying him tonight, not least of all his hard bed, itchy sheets, tangled covers, and the starlight that invaded his room. Even his arms were getting in the way.

So in abject frustration he tore back the covers with exaggerated annoyance and pulled on his sweats before padding barefoot out into the corridor and towards the nearest balcony.

He needed to clear his head and he knew exactly why.

Every year, on this day, for the past two years he had awoken like this, in a hot sweat, mind racing with possibilities.

Of course, being him, he usually pushed back any thoughts of it, compartmentalised it and stored it away in a black spot in his mind. A place he never delved.

As he walked over to the balcony railing he breathed in a lungful of salty air and let the sounds of the oceans wash over him in a bid to calm his frazzled nerves.

He bent down, rested his head on his hands and sighed.

He looked up and swallowed against a nagging sensation in his stomach. Guilt.

"Two years," he said under his breath and let his head drop again onto his hands.

"John?"

The voice startled him into forced composure and he snapped his head up and stood up stiffly as Elizabeth approached him.

She had her arms crossed as she stood next to him and she looked out at towards the horizon. He wondered if she too was seeking solace here.

"Couldn't sleep?" he asked straightening up.

"I was just about to ask you the same thing," she said before looking up to him with a thin smile.

Sheppard returned the smile and looked down to his bare feet, "Well, I guess I'll go back to my room." He looked at her briefly before starting towards the door.

He had to get away from her before the swell of feelings inside of him took her away and drowned her too.

That's how it felt sometimes.

That misery could hold onto others and suck them in.

Elizabeth nodded, "Good night," she said as he almost ran through the door.

-------------------

They had been exploring the south side of the city for what seemed like hours and still they had yet to find anything that warranted a further look.

Sheppard was growing more and more frustrated as he stomped through the darkened hallways with his P90.

He rolled his shoulders and repositioned his weapon as he rounded another corridor which looked exactly the same as the last one.

"That's it Mckay, I'm calling it," said Sheppard as he threw a glance over his shoulder, "Mckay?"

Mckay was nowhere to be seen and he let out a sigh and returned from where he had previously come, "Mckay?" he shouted out again. He stopped, dropped his head wearily and listened for any sound. He was about to call out for the MIA scientist when he heard a voice from behind him that nearly made his heart pound out of his chest.

"Jesus Mckay," he said turning around and holding onto his chest.

"What?" he asked as he took a bite into the power bar in his hand.

"When did you get so…stealthy?" asked Sheppard walking over to him and eyeing the power bar longingly. His stomach was telling him that it was near lunch.

"Well if you had been paying attention," snapped Mckay as he turned and pointed to an open door, "…instead of staring into space."  
"I wasn't staring into space," said Sheppard.

"Yes you were," said Mckay with a roll of his eyes.

"So where were you?" asked Sheppard trying to calm himself and appear semi-normal.

"Ah well, I found something," he said hooking his finger over his shoulder and shoving the last piece of his power bar into his mouth, "Its back here," he said and started to walk off.

"Cant it wait till after lunch," said Sheppard as he followed like a belligerent child.

Mckay snorted and entered the room.

As Sheppard foot touched the threshold everything lit up like Christmas and Mckay turned around with a big grin on his face.

"I feel used," said Sheppard as he walked into the room further and scanned it.

It was small, square and there were computers lining two of the walls. In the centre of the room there was a chair with a circular screen opposite it.

"Well if you _will_ have the ATA gene," said Mckay as he walked over to one of the stations and started hooking up his laptop.

"You're just jealous," said Sheppard as he started poking at one of the consoles.

"_Don't_ touch that," snapped Mckay, "You don't know what you could inadvertently activate."

It was Sheppard's turn to roll his eyes, "Fine, I'll go," he said and as he stepped out of the room the lights dimmed and Mckay let out a groan, "Major, just sit down, don't touch anything and let me work."

Sheppard walked back into the room, it lit up again, and he headed for the chair.

"Don't sit there," said Mckay as Sheppard backside hovered over the seat.

"You said sit, I'm sitting."  
"Don't sit there."

"Mckay I'm sitting," said Sheppard and he touched down.

The chair immediately started to glow, tilted back very slightly and the view screen opposite started to fuzz. A light poured out from the screen and focused in on his head, making it difficult for him to move.

"What did you do?" asked Mckay scrambling to his feet and looking at Sheppard.

Sheppard had the urge to say ' _did I do that?'_ as he got a severe case of deja vu and simply shrugged.

"I told you not to sit," groaned Mckay.

Sheppard went to get up.

"No, no stay where you are."  
"You want me to sit, get up, stay down, make your mind up," said Sheppard.

Mckay looked at his laptop, "I'm not registering anything besides a power up," he typed in a few commands on the keyboard.

"What does it do?" asked Sheppard.

"Oh hang on," said Mckay, "Look it says right here, this chair does…I don't know. Just sit back and be quiet."

Sheppard remained sitting in a tense position, his fingers not quite relaxed, his toes pointing outwards. Afraid movement would do something, "Is it a weapons chair?" asked Sheppard.

Mckay looked up, "No its not."

Sheppard nodded, "Perhaps it's just an easy chair," he said smiling brightly, "And this is the television. Beer and my football-" he started to say as all of a sudden the screen in front of him started to crackle and a fuzzy image of his favourite football game started to play out on the screen.

"What is that?"

"I think it's the Malibu-"

"No not the team, how did you do that?"

Sheppard shook his head, "I was just thinking about that game and-"

"Thinking," said Mckay. He paused and unconsciously started chewing at his fingernail. "Think of something else."

"Like what?" asked Sheppard glancing over to McKay.

"Anything," said Mckay, "See if it shows us."

Sheppard's mind was racing as to what he could think of when suddenly an image popped into his head and he couldn't help to stop it. _NO, No, not that_, he thought and desperately tried to stop his spiralling train of contemplation.

Before he could stop himself an image of Elizabeth appeared on the screen in some skimpy looking lingerie, "No," he said.

Mckay turned bright red and turned away, "Stop thinking that," he said not quite covering his eyes.

_Elizabeth was taking one of the straps down and smiling seductively_.

Sheppard closed his eyes, "I cant…crap….."

"Stop it," said Mckay again, "Stop thinking."

"Don't think of pink elephants," muttered Sheppard as he fought to control his juvenile mind.

The screen suddenly went black and Mckay looked up, he was silent for a minute before saying, "Oh, so that's what you think about?"  
Sheppard continued to stare at the screen, "I don't think about that…..I _mean_, I don't know where that came from."

"Oh I think I know where it came from. You're sick."

"It's your fault," snapped Sheppard embarrassedly.

Mckay looked down at the laptop and waved his hand dismissively, "You know this must be some kind of scientific tool. The chair in Antarctica had the ability to project images of the solar systems so we know its within their capability," he paused and started chewing on that damn nail again, "Think about it….I mean don't….you know what I mean…..its a lot easier to visualise some things rather than explain them."

"Like writing down a football play instead of explaining it," said Sheppard.

"I guess," said Mckay raising an eyebrow, "If they were trying to invent something or theorise this would perfectly emanate their thoughts. Intriguing."

Sheppard nodded, "Intriguing."

"Look wait here, I'm just going to go to my lab and get some diagnostic tools."

"Don't be too long," said Sheppard.

Mckay disappeared and Sheppard continued to sit in the silence. He folded his arms over the top of his P90 and let his eyes slide closed.

Last nights slip in his otherwise steely composure could now be forgotten and hopefully that night he would be able to sleep again.

Sheppard breathed in and held it when he suddenly started to hear something which sounded remarkably like Helicopter propellers. He swallowed and listened to the ever increasing rotations.

For a moment he thought it was his mind playing tricks on him or that he had slipped into a dream state. It was only when he opened his eyes and he looked at the image which was playing out on the view screen before him which made his stomach coil.

"No," he said and tried to stop his mind from continuing with the thought and carrying it like a snowball.

_He was looking out of the forward window of the helicopter. He could hear the sounds of the blades above, and he could see the blur of the ground below him as it moved passed with haste. Ahead was desert, expansive and incredibly hot._

Sheppard watched with horror as he was forced to relive the time in Afghanistan he had put away. From within the chair he could even feel the searing heat he had felt in that chopper and he remembered the feeling of the cumbersome headphones which made him sweat.

_Gun fire ahead seemed to point at him and he started evasive manoeuvres. Bullets ricocheted off the underside of his craft. His CO was screaming into his headset for him to stop and turn around, Davey beside him was telling him he was with him all the way._

Sheppard could feel the same rush of adrenaline he had then and the absolute conviction that he had been right. Two rangers were cut off and at risk of being captured near Kabul and he wasn't just going to abandon them, regardless of orders and supposed conformation of them.

"What's this?" asked Mckay all of a sudden returning from his lab.

Sheppard turned to the man, realising he had lost all sense of time, and said, "Turn it off," with forced calm.

Mckay rushed over to the chair and started tapping at his computer, "I can't."

Sheppard watched as _he was landing the chopper._ _The Rangers had had engine difficulty themselves, most likely, the result of being fired at and Sheppard had known from their flight path that they must have gone down on this route._

_Two figures ahead of him were running towards him, waving their arms._

"Mckay, turn it off," he said with more force this time. He went to move but Mckay put a restraining hand on his shoulder.

"Major, you cant move. Who knows what disconnecting will do."

Sheppard watched as events played out exactly as he remembered and he couldn't stop them.

Not now he was so immersed in his own painful history.

_He could feel the bullet that took him off guard pass through his shoulder and as he stumbled to the ground ._"Mckay," he shouted this time, "Turn it off!." _He was being captured. Davey was being captured. The two Rangers were being shot._  
"I can't," said Mckay, increasingly irate.

Sheppard couldn't let the view screen play out any further. He couldn't relive that all over again and despite McKay's warning he managed to wrench himself out of the chair, out of the light, and onto the floor.

The view screen was cut off immediately and it returned to its previous dormant state.

"Major?" asked Mckay running to his side.

Sheppard looked up at him from the floor, his eyes were unfocused and he seemed confused. He pushed Mckay off him and got to his feet unsteadily.

"Major?" McKay called out as Sheppard walked over to the door and out into the corridor.

Mckay followed him as he swerved through the hallway, using the walls as a means to balance, "What was that?" he asked.

Sheppard had his hands up to his head now and was walking blindly.

"What was that?" Mckay asked again.

Sheppard turned around and leant against the wall heavily, sagging under the burden of what he had just seen.

When Mckay looked at his face, he could see that his nose was bleeding steadily and that Sheppard was still looking unfocused.

"Leave it Mckay," he managed to rasp.

"I'm calling Beckett," he said and as he tapped his earpiece, Sheppard slid down the wall and lost his battle with consciousness.

**TBC**

_PLEASE REVIEW and give me motivation. Its all the better when you know people are actually reading it._

_What do you think?_

_Italics is what he sees on the screen if you're confused._


	2. Chapter 2

_Woah, so many reviews for one chapter. Thank you all. You made my day…again._

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Sheppard opened his eyes expecting to be in the infirmary but instead he found himself where he had last dropped, only Mckay was hovering over him like a moth to light.

"You're awake," he said with a sigh and looked back down the corridor, "Where's Beckett?"

Sheppard groaned, lifted his head off the floor, and paused when an initial spike of pain at the base of his skull reminded him of previous events, "I passed out?" he asked rubbing at his neck as he tried to get up.

"Yes you did, stay down," said Mckay and the force of his hand on Sheppard's shoulder sent him back down to the floor. His head connected with a thud and Sheppard let out a grimace. "Uh sorry," said Mckay.

Sheppard moved his hands off his shoulder and extricated himself from the floor, "I'm fine Mckay," he said reaching up and touching the blood which was escaping from his nose. He could feel it streaked across his cheek and it had already dried.

"You're going to the infirmary," said Mckay looking down the corridor as if he expected it to somehow produce the Scottish doctor.

"I'm not," said Sheppard trying to wipe the blood off his cheek.

"You are," said Mckay.

"Am not," said Sheppard leaning against the wall.

"You just collapsed," said Mckay, "Or has your possibly fried brain already forgotten that."

Sheppard sighed and closed his weary eyes, "You're giving me a headache."

"Ah see and you have a headache. This isn't good, where is Beckett?"

Sheppard slid one eye open, "He's probably lost." He found his P90 was still attached to his vest and he pointed it upwards and switched on its light, "Come on, lets go find him."

"We are staying here," said Mckay bounding up and down on his heels nervously.

"Mckay, I'm…" Sheppard was about to say he was fine, but the spike at the base of his skull had reached a new pinnacle of pain and instead he found himself crumpling to his knees. He watched as blood started to drop and pool onto the floor below him and he fought to stay awake against the tug of blessed unconsciousness.

"Sheppard," said Mckay getting down to his knees beside him and putting his hand on his back.

Sheppard swallowed hard. He could taste the blood as some of it travelled down his throat, "Just a little dizzy," he managed.

"Dizzy," said Mckay nervously. "Of course, you stood up too quickly."

Sheppard looked over to him, "I'm fine," he said.

"Would you stop saying that," said Mckay, "And keep your head down."

"I thought you were supposed to tilt your head back when you got a nosebleed," said Sheppard.

Mckay sighed, "No, its forward. Pinch the bridge of your nose."

Sheppard rolled his eyes, which hurt, and did as instructed. Mckay probably knew what he was talking about. After all, Sheppard figured that enough bullies at school must have given him a few.

He could hear the sounds of people coming down the hallway, feet hitting the concrete loudly. He looked up and Beckett was now kneeling beside him, "What happened?" he asked looking over to Mckay for an explanation.

Instead it was Sheppard who spoke, "Congratulations Doc, you rushed here to the medical emergency of……a nosebleed."

"We found a device, it had him locked into it somehow," said Mckay, "He got out of it, which I told him not to, ran down here and collapsed."

"Did he lose consciousness?" asked Beckett reaching into his pocket for a penlight.

"Yes," "No," Both men said simultaneously.

"Well which one is it?" asked Beckett reaching for Sheppard's chin and tilting his head upwards. Sheppard's eyes took a minute to follow him confirming to Beckett he was still pretty out of it.

"Yes," stated Mckay firmly.

Sheppard closed his eyes against the light and could feel the headache pain migrating to behind his pupils.

"Some light sensitivity," said Beckett.

Sheppard had his hand up to his nose in an attempt to cup the blood.

"Okay, lets get you to the infirmary and run some tests. Mckay I want you to show me this device too."

Mckay nodded and he helped Beckett get Sheppard into a standing position.

"Snitch," mumbled Sheppard as he was pulled up onto a waiting gurney.

"Well if you didn't lie about being injured then-"

"I was a bit disorientated, I admit," said Sheppard, "but this was nothing."  
"What about what I saw on that screen?" Mckay put his hands over his chest and jutted his chin out.

Sheppard chewed on his lip thoughtfully and dragged his eyes over to Beckett's, "Take me to the infirmary."

-----------

Sheppard opened his eyes and looked up at the ceiling and he could recognise that Texas shaped stain there straight away.

"I'm in the infirmary," he said.

"Yes you are," Beckett's voice floated over his head and he turned towards the voice.

"I passed out again?" he asked.

Beckett nodded, "Aye, you did."

Sheppard groaned as Beckett moved the bed into a sitting position, "Whatever happened to you knocked you for six," he said.

Sheppard looked down to see that thankfully he was still in his clothes, minus vest and P90 and had yet to be subjected to scrubs, or worse than that, the bare ass gown of doom.

He swung his legs over the edge of the bed just as Elizabeth and Mckay walked into the infirmary.

"Ah you're awake," said Mckay.

Elizabeth walked straight over to him and touched his arm, "Are you okay?"

Sheppard nodded and looked over to Mckay where he was beaming. He knew he was thinking about what he had seen on the screen and Sheppard cleared his throat uncomfortably, "I'm fine."

Elizabeth nodded, "Mckay showed me the chair," she looked back to Mckay who straightened his face in time, "He told me it projects thought."

Sheppard swallowed and nodded.

She smiled and quirked an eyebrow, "He told me he saw some interesting images on it."

Sheppard nodded again, unable to find any words.

"Yes well it needs to be looked at more closely," said Mckay.

"I'm not sure I want it to have a human test subject again, not yet anyway" said Elizabeth.

"So are we done?" asked Sheppard hopefully. He wanted to get out of here before Mckay, if he hadn't already, let slip about…well Elizabeth in a slip…..or even worse before Mckay started to ask about what he had seen.

Beckett was looking over Sheppard's chart, "Well your vitals are good."

"Yep I'm alive."

Beckett flashed him an irritated look before continuing, "Your blood pressure was slightly elevated when you came in but that's settled, pupil reaction is better, heart rate steady." He paused, "Id like to keep you in overnight and place you on an EEG machine."

"EEG?" asked Elizabeth.

"EEG is short for electroencephalogram, it measures brainwaves," stated Beckett.

Sheppard looked to Elizabeth for support, "I feel good and we have that mission tomorrow."

"You'll be able to go on your mission," said Beckett, "I just want to make sure it wasn't an event within your brain that caused you to black out."

"You do this and you're good to go tomorrow," said Elizabeth patting him on the arm.

"Yes and who knows what damage might have been caused by you interrupting the data flow between you and the chair." Said Mckay, "What was that by the way. It kind of reminded me of Iraq or-"

Sheppard cleared his throat loudly and settled himself back on the bed, "You can do this EEG Doc, as long as you don't mind me sleeping through it."

"You can sleep later," said Beckett tapping him on the shoulder to open his eyes, "I need you to be awake for a while so I don't get Theta waves when I need alpha or gammas."

Sheppard sighed, "I have no idea what you just said but fine."

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Sheppard woke up at 0600 hours. He wasn't sure if that was earth time, Atlantis time or his time, but either way he was going to get up.

The infirmary was quiet and he sat up slowly to look around the ear empty room. He hadn't slept very well and that was unsurprising to him. His mind couldn't stop thinking about what had happened the day before with that strange chair device. What was more frustrating was the topic and he couldn't quite seem to put back away where he felt it belonged.

He reached up and tore off one of the leads to the EEG machine.

"What are you doing?" he heard the voice before he saw him.

"You said I could go Doc," said Sheppard.

"Aye I did, if the EEG showed us nothing."

Sheppard looked to the machine beside him and at the long readout it had printed. He plucked it of the machine and held it out to Beckett, "Well look at it so I can go."

Beckett looked taken aback by Sheppard's curt tone but took the read out from him nonetheless. He spent a few minutes analysing the data.

"Well?" asked Sheppard already getting off the bed.

"It all looks…clear," said Beckett.

"Which is good?" asked Sheppard finding the necessary resources to make him feel a bit brighter.

Beckett rubbed at his chin and looked up briefly before answering, "Of course this wouldn't show a past event……."

Sheppard grabbed his uniform jacket from the side of the bed and slapped the Doctor on the back, "So I'm good to go?"

"Yes," said Beckett, "But if anything happens again like before I want you to come here."

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The planet they were visiting was hot and Sheppard had felt himself start to sweat as soon as they had started the long walk up to the ruins.

This particular mission had been scheduled for a long time, Sheppard had tried to put it off, since as Mckay put it, it didn't involve blowing things up or fighting bad guys. Sheppard just didn't want to come on this mission because he knew he would be sitting around whilst Mckay worked, and that's exactly what he was doing.

Mckay and Teyla had ventured into one of the ruins and she was keeping him company whilst he worked on some translations.

Sheppard was sitting on a large rock that jutted from the grass, P90 resting across his knees, his elbows resting on them and his hands clasped under his chin. His headache had started an hour ago and the searing heat wasn't helping it any.

"How's it going down there?" he tapped his earpiece, whilst scanning the tree line for any life.

"There's a big chunk of text down here that's going to take a while to translate."

"Oh goody," muttered Sheppard.

"Are you bored?" asked Mckay and he knew despite not being able to see the man that he would be smirking.

"No," snapped Sheppard. The force of which he said the word made his head pound further and reaffirmed more quietly, "No, I'm fine."

Mckay disappeared off the line and he was left to the silence again and unfortunately his own thoughts.

He rubbed at his face wearily.

_Sheppard._

He removed his hands and looked up, swivelling his head to see where the elusive voice had come from. Seeing nothing he leant forwards and covered his eyes again.

_The sound of an explosion, had his heart racing._

Sheppard stood this time on full alert, his P90 pointing forward in readiness for attack.

"Mckay everything okay down there?" he asked activating the radio.

There was static and then Mckays voice came through clear and irritated, "Its fine, I just told you that."

"You're sure?"

"You'd be the first to know if it wasn't," said Mckay.

"Major, are you okay?" he heard Teyla's voice come over the radio.

Sheppard scanned the trees and strained to hear for the noise again. All he heard was the wind in the trees and nothing else. He was trying to put straight in his own mind if he was okay. "I think its time to finish up for the day," he said keeping his eyes forward.

"I have more work to do," whined Mckay.

Sheppard dropped the weapons aim and turned towards the ruins, "Tomorrow Mckay."

He was too hot, pissed off and tired. He wanted to get back to the relative safety of Atlantis and the cocoon that were his quarters. Maybe crawling under the covers for a few hours would release the tension in his head and he would be allowed some sleep.

They walked back to the gate in silence and Sheppard knew that he was been anti social. He didn't care.

Mckay had noticed Sheppard's deflated demeanour and as he dialled the gate he could see that he was beginning to flag. He wanted desperately to ask him about what he had seen and why it so obviously effected Sheppard, but knew it would ultimately be met with the blanket response of '_I'm good_,' or '_I'm fine'_.

-------------------------------

On the other side of the gate Elizabeth was waiting for them.

"How did it go?" she asked as Sheppard walked over to her. She couldn't help but notice the dark rings under his eyes.

"We found some ancient writing that needs extensive translation, but the Major got bored so he hauled us all back," said Mckay crossing his arms and jutting his chin out.

Elizabeth looked at her watch, "You're an hour overdue Rodney."

Mckay looked flustered and fought with the sleeve of his jacket to confirm the time.

Sheppard just simply looked over to him and raised a crooked eyebrow.

Mckay was about to retort when blood started to trickle out of Sheppard's nose. It took him a second to realise what was happening and cursing he bought a hand up to stop the blood.

"Are you okay?" asked Teyla touching his shoulder.

Elizabeth was also stepping forward and Sheppard felt crowded by all of them.

It was just a damn nosebleed.

"It'll stop in a minute," he said holding his hand over his nose. It made his voice come out more nasal than he intended, "I'll go deal with this," he said and he started out of the gateroom.

As Teyla and Elizabeth were talking, Mckay looked over to watch the Major leave. He saw a slight unsteadiness in his pace and then as he reached the steps that led down to a transporter he saw Sheppard lose his balance, hold onto a wall for support and look around to see if anyone had noticed.

Mckay had seen him but he hadn't seen Mckay.

"If you'll excuse me," said Mckay turning to Elizabeth.

"I want that debrief in an hour Rodney," she said.

Mckay nodded, "I'll be there." And hurried off after Sheppard.

He found him in one of the nearest bathrooms, if you could call it that, standing over a sink and pinching his nose.

"See you listened to me," said Mckay walking up beside him.

Sheppard snorted, "Yeah well, you _sometimes_ have useful advice."

Mckay watched as his blood spotted the sink and was silent for too long. It made Sheppard suspicious, "What's up?"

"The debriefing is in an hour," stuttered Mckay.

Sheppard ran some water and started washing his nose and face with it, "I don't need to be there," he said reaching for tissue to put over his nose, "My debrief would consist of, _I sat around_. The end."

Mckay watched as Sheppard took tissue away from his nose to see if it had stopped bleeding.

"I'm going to head down to the chair later, run some diagnostics-" he waited to see if Sheppard would take the bait.

"Good luck," said Sheppard reaching for his P90 and vest he had taken off.

"You don't want to help?" asked Mckay as he followed him out of the bathroom and out into the corridor.

Sheppard threw him a look over his shoulder, "Not really."

Mckay finally felt himself snap and he grabbed Sheppard by the arm and turned him around. He didn't miss Sheppard's wince as his head jarred, "What was on that screen that has you so damn affected by it?"

Sheppard looked him up and down and shrugged out of his grip, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Since the chair, you've been quiet."

Sheppard leant against the wall and acknowledge two marines as they passed before answering, "I haven't been sleeping well."

"What was it?" he asked.

"Mckay I want to forget about the damn chair, so leave it."

"You dove out of the thing like it was on fire when you saw what you did," said Mckay, his voice rising in tone.

Sheppard looked incredulous and narrowed his eyes, "Forget about it Mckay. Its not….important," he forced out the words but the lie of it nearly made him choke.

His head was screaming at him, and the spring that was so tightly wound in his gut was ready to uncoil.

"It looked like Iraq or Iran, or.."

Sheppard gritted his teeth and took a step forward, "It was Afghanistan."

Mckay was silent.

"Now don't ask me about it again," said Sheppard, "Its bad enough seeing it play out on a screen in front of me, I don't want to have to talk about it as well."

Mckay couldn't leave there and he knew it.

"There's something else,"

Sheppard leant against the wall heavily as everything around him seemed to swirl and squirm. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly and felt Mckays hand on his shoulder. His voice sounded garbled.

"Leave it," he managed to force out and stalked away leaving Mckay stood there looking hurt and confused.

Two transporters later and he was thankfully in his room. As the door closed behind him, he found himself shaking and sweating.

The raw emotion which surged through him made him feel as though he was losing it. He slammed a balled up fist into the wall, felt the initial numbness and then the pain of it. He looked at his knuckles in the light and watched as blood glistened from the graze.

He leant against the wall, slid down onto the floor and rested his head on his knees.

"Shit."

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Sheppard opened the door to his quarters and tried to paint a pissed off expression onto his features. He didn't find that difficult when he saw Mckay stood in front of him. He was smiling at him and had both hands behind his back as he peered passed Sheppard and into his darkened room.

"What?" asked Sheppard making a show of rubbing at his eyes.

Mckay looked down the corridor and then back to Sheppard, "Can I come in?" he asked.

"No," said Sheppard leaning against the doorframe.

"Were you sleeping?"

Sheppard looked back to his bed where the sheets were still rumpled, "Yes," he lied. In truth, he had been staring up at the ceiling for the past few hours. Sleep was proving to be elusive to him tonight, but still, he wasn't in the mood for company, "What is it Rodney?"

"Well I've been sitting in the dark for the last hour or so trying to do a diagnostic on the chair and-"

Sheppard could immediately see where this was going and cut him off, "I'm not helping you with the chair."

Mckay's smile seemed to drop slightly, "Why not?"

Sheppard sighed, "Can't you get Beckett to help you?"

"I already asked him, he said no. You know him and those chairs."

"Cant you ask anyone else?" asked Sheppard.

"Everyone else is sleeping," he said, "What have you done to your hand?"

Sheppard looked to his crudely bandaged knuckles and put the hand behind his back, "Nothing. Its late, cant this wait till tomorrow?"

"No, plus there's that Harvest feast tomorrow on the mainland," said Mckay, "Come on, you just have to come down and light the room up for me. I won't ask you to sit in the chair."

Sheppard was already feeling the beginnings of a headache but found himself buckling, "I'll come down for an hour, that's it."

"Great," said Mckay.

Sheppard closed the door in his face.

"I'll just wait out here."

----------------

Sheppard had approached the room where they had discovered the chair with a mixture of apprehension and out right fear. For him, this room no longer held the wonder that Mckay so fiercely craved, instead it had become a symbol of something he wanted to forget and push away.

He was sitting in the corner of the room, his head against the wall, eyes closed in the hopes of shutting it out of his mind.

Mckay was sitting on the floor next to the chair, his lap top in front of him.

He was listening to the rhythmic taps at the keyboard when they all of a sudden stopped and he heard Mckays voice echo through the room, "You okay?"

Sheppard cracked one eye open, "I'm fine."

"You've been unusually quiet," said Mckay as he resumed his typing.

Sheppard closed his eye again.

Despite saying that he was fine he was feeling unwell. His heart was hammering in his chest and he felt dizzy. "What's so important about this chair?" he asked hearing the uncertainty in his voice.

"Are you kidding? This has so many applications its unreal."

Sheppard shook his head, "I think we should just leave it alone."

"You're just sour because of what it showed you," he heard Mckay say.

Sheppard gritted his teeth against the impulse to slap him around the head. He had no idea what that set of images represented to him. "So what have you found?" asked Sheppard pushing himself up from the floor and walking over to Mckay.

As he reached him he regarded the chair with a look of disdain and then knelt down beside him.

"I've managed to extract some information regarding its last activity," he said.

"When I was in the chair," said Sheppard.

"But I need to confirm something and…" he chewed on his lip and slid his eyes over to Sheppard, "You look tired, you should sit back and rest."

Sheppard narrowed his eyes, "Yeah I am a bit tired."

Both men looked at each other for a minute before Sheppard slowly got what Mckay was talking about, "I'm not getting back in that chair."

"I just need you to sit in it, I can disconnect the screen and-"

"No," said Sheppard standing up quickly and feeling the pain in his head spike, "You saw what happened last time."

"That was your fault. You shouldn't have got out of the chair."

"Oh so I should have just sat there and let…" he stopped himself and turned away. He wasn't going to talk about what he saw on that screen. What would Mckay know about it anyway?

"You know if you don't talk about this, its going to eat you up inside," said Mckay getting up.

Sheppard turned to him, "Nothings wrong. I want to keep some things private so what."

"Its obviously bothering you," said Mckay.

Sheppard was starting to feel hot and panicky and he could feel his fists balling up at his sides, "Fine," he said stalking over to the chair and stepping up onto the plinth, "Set it up, come on."

Mckay walked over to his lap top, clicked a few buttons and rearranged a few wires before acknowledging Sheppard, "Its set."

Sheppard eyed the chair suspiciously before taking a deep breath and sitting down in it. He maintained a stiff posture so he could get up again if the screen flickered to life. To his relief, nothing happened; the chair didn't even glow this time.

"See I told you nothing would happen once I disconnected the screen."

Sheppard tried to control his breathing. He wasn't going to let Mckay know how much he was panicking inside. "Well?" he swallowed thickly and kept his eyes firmly on the screen.

"Okay you can get up."

Sheppard practically jumped out of the chair and walked over to Mckay, "Well?" his hands were shaking and he shoved them into his pockets.

Mckay picked his lap top off the floor and walked over to one of the consoles to balance it. "Look here," he said pointing at the information displayed on the screen. There were three graphs.

"This is the information from when you were just sat in the chair with the screen disconnected."

Of the three graphs, one line displayed waves of information, "That's your brain activity."

Sheppard nodded, "Okay?"

"And this," said Mckay switching to the information he had managed to retrieve from his previous venture in the chair, "Is from before."

The same graph was displaying his brain activity but the other two graphs were now also displaying information, "These two lines are displaying incoming and outgoing information. In a sense it was downloading, like a computer, the information from your brain."

"Right," said Sheppard rubbing his eyes, "So it was extracting my…memories?" he said glancing nervously at the chair.

"Yes, but see here." He pointed to a massive spike on the brain activity graph, "This spike coincides with when you jumped out of the chair. The input and output are both cut off and this spike…" he paused, "I need Beckett to look at it and confirm it but…."

"Spit it out," said Sheppard.

"Im no Doctor but that spike is a major event in your brain."

Sheppard waved a dismissive hand, "You don't know that."  
"I know that it cant have been good for you."

Sheppard bought his hand up to his head again and unconsciously rubbed at his head, "I've been feeling fine." He lied.

"What about the nosebleeds, your dizzy spell earlier today, your headache now?"

Sheppard bought his hand down to his side abruptly "I don't have a headache."

Mckay snapped the laptop shut, "I'm going to have Beckett look at this data."

"Don't do that," said Sheppard with a sigh, "Not yet anyway. Look we have that feast tomorrow and I promised Teyla we would be there. If you tell Beckett now he'll have me in that infirmary all day and I'll let her down."

Mckay seemed to consider it, "Then you'll talk to him?"

Sheppard looked at the floor dejectedly and found himself feeling exhausted, "Then you can show him that data at least, yes."

"Okay," said Mckay.

----------------

The mainland was a hive of activity. The Athosian's had lain on quite a feast for their annual harvest feast. Unfortunately they couldn't eat it yet.

Children were running around weaving in between the adults and playing games, whilst adults milled around drinking and talking.

The air was one of joy and laughter as past events were left behind.

There would be no talk of the wraith or death today.

Sheppard stood by one of the tables which had a spread of food and picked at one of dishes whilst refilling his glass. He wasn't sure what was exactly in this punch but with the light headed feeling he had he was starting to get the sneaking suspicion that there was alcohol in it.

"They really know how to have a party don't they?" he heard Elizabeth say as she stepped up to the table beside him.

She slapped his hand away from picking at the food and he gave her a guilty grin.

"You're not supposed to eat yet."

"I'm hungry," he said as he scanned the crowd of people, "So you managed to drag yourself away from Atlantis?"

She gave him a nudge and took a sip of her own punch, "This is an important celebration for Teylas people."

"Sure is," he said laughing as he watched a small child approach Mckay as he walked towards them.

Mckay looked down in horror as the child proceeded to grab his hand and he shook it off before quickening his pace, "Vermin," he said as he reached the table and went to pick up some meat.

Elizabeth slapped his hand now and she rolled her eyes, "Not until after the harvest ritual."

Mckay crossed his arms across his chest and sighed, "Well when's this ritual going to begin. I'm hungry."

Sheppard finished off his punch and dipped in his glass for seconds….or was that thirds? He couldn't remember. "Patience, Rodney."

"What does this ritual entail anyway?" asked Mckay.

"Teyla said something about singing," said Elizabeth setting her glass onto the side. "I hear she has quite a voice."

"Right," said Mckay. "Where is she?"

Suddenly everybody in front of them started to part ways and form a circle.

In the centre stood Teyla in what looked like colourful robes. When she saw the members of her team, she smiled and gave them a nod.

"I guess this is it," said Sheppard finishing off his drink.

"Thank you my friends for joining us on this special day," said Teyla, "Each year we give thanks for the past cycles crops, but also ask that we may be blessed again."

She continued to talk about crops and rebirth and how important it was for them to all to come together to celebrate this momentous occasion.

Around the time that Teyla began to sing the light was beginning to fade and Sheppard was beginning to feel unwell. He put it down to drinking too much of that wretched punch and when Teyla was into the second verse of her song he could no longer stand in the circle and pretend he was feeling okay and not trying to hold back his stomach contents.

He pushed past Mckay roughly and walked away from the distracted group of people and out towards the nearby tree line.

He just needed some air. That's it, he tried to convince himself.

When he reached the relative safely of the trees he leant up against one of the tree trunks, closed his eyes and swallowed against the bile at the back of his throat.

His mouth was watering furiously and he leant forward and put his hands on his knees as he breathed in again in a vague attempt to feel better.

---------

Mckay edged to the back of the circle giving Elizabeth an apologetic look and searched the tree line for Sheppard. He could see his silhouette and wondered what it was he was doing. He hadn't looked well a moment ago and he fought with himself internally whether to go and find him.

----------

Sheppard swallowed again in the battle with his stomach and tried to calm himself. He didn't want to be sick and yet he was just pushing away the inevitable.

He'd drank too much, that's what this was. It had nothing to do with that damn chair, nor did it have anything to do with his pounding headache or increase in body temperature. Man he was feeling hot.

He swallowed again and his stomach lurched.

He stood up straight, breathed in deep and found a moments calm. He opened his eyes and smiled. Crisis averted.

He started to turn around but discovered his stomach had been lulling him into a false sense of security and he bent forward as his stomach contents hit the foliage below. He heaved for a few minutes, using the tree stump as support and finally the nausea abated and he himself straightened up.

He wiped his mouth and scrubbed his hands over his face, forcing composure before he started back towards the village.

He saw Mckay was waiting for him and he rolled his eyes.

"Where were you?" he asked and when he saw Sheppard's pale face and glistening eyes he pointed an accusatory finger, "Have you been sick?"

Sheppard shrugged him off and continued to walk towards the village where Teyla had finished singing and everyone was applauding her, "I was taking a leak," he said.

Mckay grabbed him by the arm and Sheppard pushed him off him, "Mckay leave it okay."

Mckay shook his head, "Fine." He was beginning to think listening to Sheppard was a bad idea. The man obviously had been affected by that chair in some way and him not telling Beckett, he admitted, was just plain stupid.

When Sheppard got back into the village Elizabeth walked over to him, "Where were you?"

"I was here," said Sheppard. He felt guilty lying and he was glad that Mckay hadn't dropped him in it.

"Teyla was looking for you."

"She was?"

"Yes she said she saw you leave."

Sheppard shrugged and walked over to where there was a pitcher of water. As he poured himself a glass he said, "She must have been mistaken."

Sheppard downed his water and scanned the crowd. An Athosian woman walked over to the table and was holding her baby under her arm. Sheppard smiled at the kid and continued to sip on his water, "Boo," he murmured.

The woman looked to him and smiled, "Can you hold her for a second, I need to go and get my dish for the feast."

Sheppard looked at the kid and held his hands out, "Sure."

"Thank you Major, I wont be a second."

Sheppard held the child in his arms and looked down at her. He held out his finger and she gripped it with a strong little hand. He found himself feeling sad as emotions stirred behind his controlled exterior.

That chair had screwed him up in more ways than one.

"So are you going to see Beckett when we get in?" he heard Mckays voice from beside him.

Sheppard continued to look down at the baby in his arms and refrained from cooing to answer, "I told you didn't I." he said keeping his voice low and even.

"You were ill weren't you," said Mckay, "You look like hell."

"I drank too much," said Sheppard.

Mckay was silent beside him and he looked at the baby, "Where's its mother?"

"It is a _she_," said Sheppard, "She's gone to get her dish for the festival."

Mckay nodded and looked at the baby, "Its that chair…."

"Drop it," said Sheppard. His harsh tone made the child whimper at his tone. "Shh," he said.

"Time to eat," said Elizabeth walking over to them.

Sheppard smiled but his expression belayed his real feelings and he turned to Mckay, "Take the baby."

Elizabeth laughed, "You really that hungry?"

"Didn't you eat today or something?" asked Mckay his smile wide.

Sheppard held the baby out, "No take the baby, now," he shouted.

As the child was grabbed by Mckay his knees buckled and before he had hit the dirt his body had started to convulse as a seizure wracked his body.

As somebody put him onto his side, he vomited again. He could feel himself loosing consciousness and he watched as the dark sky above him merged into his own darkness.

TBC

Please review.

_You'll find out about Afghanistan soon, don't worry._


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N Apologies if this is a wordy, talky, techno babble chapter but its imperative to the story. And the Afghanistan stuff will be revealed eventually but in small chunks._

-----------------------------

Sheppard had been aware of voices above him, movement, hands on his neck, lights in his eyes, pinches at his hand as an IV was put in and various other sensations that he couldn't respond to and only endure.

He didn't know how long he had been in a catatonic state before he finally felt the surge of another seizure and it was after this latest fit that he could finally move and vocalise his distress.

He felt hands at his wrists restraining him for the brief moment he convulsed and then, just as quickly, it was all over and he managed to open his eyes and suck in a lungful of air before scanning the room with unfocused eyes, "Beckett?" he called out.

"Aye I'm here," he felt the pressure on his shoulder and managed to focus on the solid hand there. He bought his own hand up and clasped it around his fingers to make sure it was real.

"What happened?" he asked as the bed was raised up into a more comfortable position. His eyes moved to the left and he could see that Mckay was hovering behind Beckett, his head turned towards them, but he wasn't saying anything. A trait which considered unusual to Mckay.

"You had a seizure," said Beckett, "I gave you some Phenobarbiton. How are you feeling now?"

Sheppard blinked a couple of times and sat up slightly as if testing his response to the drug, "Okay," he said flexing his fingers, "Uh Doc, before, I….. couldn't move."

Beckett nodded and looked at the screen beside his bed, "Its not unheard of that a seizure can leave you paralysed temporarily."

Sheppard nodded and wiggled his toes, glad he could now finally feel them.

"Is he okay?" Mckay finally asked walking slowly over to the bed. One hand was up to the back of his head and scratching nervously as he awaited Beckett's word.

"For now, but there's no predicting when you might have another episode."

Sheppard knitted his eyebrows together, "You think this might happen again?"

"Its possible."

Mckay put his hands on the bed rails and leant heavily against it, exhaustion tugging at his features, "You gave us quite the scare," he said with a sigh.

Sheppard readjusted his position in the bed in an attempt to make himself more comfortable, "Well I'm feeling fine now," he said.

"Mckay told me everything," said Beckett crossing his arms across his chest and getting into lecture mode. Sheppard knew this look well as he had been on the receiving end of it more often than not.

"He did?" swallowed Sheppard.

"I connected you to an EEG through the seizures and there's a significant spike."

"Mckay showed you the data from the chair?" Sheppard asked.

Beckett nodded, "The spike is similar to the one from the chair data and it points towards a significant event within your brain Major." He paused and picked up his chart, "Your blood work also indicates elevated dopamine levels."

Sheppard let out a shaky breath, unsure of the implications, "So what's the next step?" he asked.

"Well I can give you low doses of a drug which should prevent further seizures and I can conduct a test to make sure its not related to epilepsy but-"

"I don't have epilepsy. That's the first test they do when you apply to fly," said Sheppard crossing his own arms across his chest. He cursed when he remembered the IV needle as it pinched at his skin.

"Major, I think you are underestimating how serious these seizures are. They are unpredictable and can leave you with a number of side effects."

"Its connected to that chair," Mckay interjected and rubbed his chin with his thumb, "It has to be."

"Well it seems likely," said Beckett, "Its possible you leaving the chair before it had finished has in some way compromised your brain chemistry. Its created neural feedback."

Sheppard rubbed at his eyes wearily at the onslaught of information, "We have a mission in a few days. Finalising negotiation terms and I have to be there," said Sheppard.

"Not if you haven't stabilised," said Beckett crossly, "You'll be staying here overnight and if I see a reduction in the levels of dopamine and a regularity in your EEG results then I might consider letting you out of here."

"Beckett I _need_ to work on the chair and I cant work on it if he's stuck in bed," said Mckay pointing.

"_He's_ still here," said Sheppard, "And I _told_ you, the chair help was a one time offer."

"Beckett it might hold the key to these seizures he's having. We might be able to reverse the effect the chair has had on him," said Mckay ignoring Sheppard.

Beckett was rubbing at his chin thoughtfully, "If the memory was particularly traumatic it might explain-"

"I'm not getting in that chair again."

"Perhaps if you spoke to Heightmeyer about what you saw it might help you to resolve any issues you have," said Beckett.

Sheppard who had closed his eyes, cracked one open and said, "No way," before closing it again.

"Major I'm exploring every avenue here. If these drugs prove ineffective we may have to seek alternative routes."

"Like the chair," said Mckay.

"Would you shut up about the damn chair," snapped Sheppard suddenly sitting bolt upright in the bed.

"Perhaps you should leave Rodney?"

"Fine, but I wont let this go Major. Until you deal with whatever it is you saw I wont leave you alone."

Sheppard pulled the blanket up and rolled over onto his side.

--------

Sheppard had been arguing with Beckett when he had watched Elizabeth walk into the infirmary. She stopped just inside the door and put her hands on her hips whilst she waited for the two men to stop bickering.

"Beckett won't let me go," said Sheppard crossing his arms like a recalcitrant child.

"Major, until I'm happy you're not leaving this infirmary."

Elizabeth walked over to the bottom of his bed, "I know its frustrating but you have to stay here," she said.

Sheppard shook his head and looked away from her, "I've been here for a two days. The seizures are under control now I'm on this medication and I feel fine, so I don't need to be sat around here."

Beckett looked over to Elizabeth and she gave him a look of sympathy, "Carson, have you made any progress with the chair?" she asked.

"We've been analysing the data but have yet to find anything."

Sheppard suddenly turned at this remark, his interest piqued by talk of the chair, "You've been in the chair?" he asked.

"I've sat in it, yes, to help Rodney."

"Did..you see anything?" asked Sheppard.

Beckett shook his head, "The main screen and its components were disconnected. Rodney just wanted enough power so he could look through the database."

Sheppard nodded, breathed out a sigh and then turned away again.

"Well I'll leave you to it," he said giving Elizabeth a pat on the arm before disappearing into his office.

"How are you really feeling?" asked Elizabeth on walking over to Sheppard.

"The drugs are working," he said looking at her.

There was silence between them and she didn't know how to fill it. There was some truth to what Mckay had said about Sheppard. He _was _different. Not in an overt sense but in a barely perceptible way. Something about his eyes told her he was haunted.

"Mckay told me that what you saw was Afghanistan." She paused and waited to see how he would respond.

With an eerie calm he turned to her and raised his eyebrows. His lack or reaction only seemed to prove to her that he knew that she would ask about it.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Sheppard shook his head and plucked at the covers, "No."

"I've read your file and it doesn't give specifics on what really happened but.." she paused and watched him closely, "If you want to talk. I'm here."

Sheppard was fighting inwardly with himself. He knew that she was just trying to help but for all her good intentions she wasn't. He desperately wanted to keep the two entities separate. His experiences on earth were supposed to be left far away and Atlantis was supposed to be a new start for him. One where he would never, ever, have to contemplate what had happened and ever feel the way he had back then.

"I appreciate the sentiment," he said turning to her and trying to force a smile onto his face, "But it's not something I want to go over again."

--------------------

Sheppard had been released from the infirmary after having been in it for three days and had wandered the base with no particular direction. He had needed to think and clear his head and yet he had ended up in the one place he was trying to avoid.

As he walked down the darkened corridor he could hear Mckay and Beckett arguing before he even entered the room.

When he did enter both men stared at him before both talking at the same time.

"We found something"

"You have to see this."

Beckett from his position in the chair shook his head whilst Mckay gave him an irritated look, "_As_ I was saying, We've found something which can help you."

Sheppard hovered at the doorway, not wishing to go into the room any farther, "Help me?" he said.

Beckett stood up from the chair, "How are you feeling Major?"

"I wish you'd all stop asking me that," he said walking into the room," And then I could stop saying '_I'm fine'_"

"Good to see he hasn't lost his sense of humour," snarked Mckay walking over to the two men with a data pad in his hand.

"What have you found?" said Sheppard.

"We found various journal entries," said Beckett before Mckay could speak. Although he seemed excited, both men kept looking at each other and sharing secret glances.

"And?" said Sheppard walking away from the two men and over to the chair. He ran his hand along the top of it and waited for one of them to continue.

"The chair isn't Atlantean," said Mckay.

"What do you mean?" asked Sheppard removing his hand from it.

"Its wraith," said Beckett looking to Mckay for support. Sheppard realised what their looks had been about.

"But it worked when I sat in it," said Sheppard.

"That's because they were trying to modify it with ancient technology to use as a diagnostic tool."

"Wraith," he said stepping away from the chair with disgust, "I knew I hated it for a reason." He looked at its design; it didn't seem out of place, "Where did they get it from?"

"Who knows," said Mckay.

Beckett studied Sheppard's face carefully before proceeding. "From what we can tell, the chair wasn't fully functional, at least in sense of it being finished," started Beckett.

Mckay elbowed him in the arm and took a step forward, "This chair was a prototype and definitely in its infancy."

"What was it meant for?"

"The journal says it was used for…… torture. They would apparently put humans in it and try to extract information about their home worlds to find new feeding grounds _and_ if that didn't work they would use their own negative experiences against them to get them to talk."

"Just my luck," said Sheppard.

"I was right it the Ancients wanted it to be used as a visual tool to help with research, design ideas. I guess they liked the premise behind the torture….but get this, it proved unsuccessful. I mean this chair had a negative purpose, its not surprising they couldn't get rid of that negative element."

"Bloody stupid leaving it in here for anyone to sit in," said Beckett with a shake of his head.

"_Yes_," said Mckay with a roll of his eyes he continued, "Test subjects said it was very difficult to control what was on the screen when they tried to use it. It needed a high level of focus in order to project the images but-"

"If you weren't concentrating the chair would still pull out the negative thoughts to the forefront of the mind."

"I was thinking about…I mean I had been thinking about-" Sheppard paused and rubbed his eyes.

"This says that the chair wouldn't allow the user to leave it unless the whole image was viewed." Said Beckett.

"A number of people left before they should and experienced the same seizures. We think it was a measure by the wraith to keep the user in a perpetual state of pain, so they would have to view the whole image…before they could be free of the pain of it."

Beckett who had been silent for a while finally blurted out ,"Major, we're suggesting that….to stop the seizures you get back in the chair."

"No way."

"Its not something I would normally suggest but-"

"No," said Sheppard back-peddling to the door, "Its wraith."

"Modified wraith," tried Mckay.

It was too late, Sheppard was gone.

"I'll get him," said Mckay passing the data pad to Beckett.

------------

Sheppard walked out of the room and somehow ended up in the room where he and Teyla practiced their stick fighting. There were some sticks on the window seat and he picked them up and started to swing them around angrily, "Dammit," he swore.

"We've found a way to help you and you're just going to walk away," said McKay as he entered the room.

"Leave me alone Mckay," said Sheppard swinging the sticks lazily.

"Okay, aside from the fact the whole chair thing is….just downright creepy now we know its original purpose, we know this will work."

"I'm not doing it," said Sheppard.

"Just because you don't want to relive something that happened in your life?" asked Mckay angrily, "We all have crosses to bare Major, but this is your health we're talking about."

"The drugs are keeping the seizures under control," he said.

"You don't seriously want to take drugs for the rest of your life. Not when there a solution sitting down there."

Sheppard stalked over to him and stopped inches from his face, "When I was in that chair.." he turned away from him and found his hands shaking, "I could feel everything. Every sensation from that day. That bullet that ripped through my shoulder….remember?..I could _feel _that."

"So you're going to have to go through a bit of discomfort to get well," said Mckay.

"You couldn't possibly understand."

"If you told me I could."

"I left all that behind on earth okay," said Sheppard.

McKay watched the man before him and couldn't believe what he was seeing. Sheppard was willing to be in ill health just to avoid something from his past. Sighing he took off his jacket and threw it to the floor and picked up the stocks on the side, "That's it," he said moving his feet back and forth like a boxer, "Lets do this."

Sheppard turned around slowly and let out a guttural laugh when he saw Mckay with the sticks, "You want to fight?" he asked walking forward.

Mckay looked at the sticks in his hands with uncertainty and then back up to Sheppard, "Yeah, so come on, lets do this," he said again moving around Sheppard.

"I'm not going to fight you McKay," he said as Mckay circled around him, "I wouldn't want you to get hurt."

He felt an impact on his left arm and looked down to see an angry welt beginning to form where Mckay had struck him.

Mckay was smiling, still circling him and said, "Ah you didn't think Id do that, did you?"

"I didn't think you'd be that stupid." Sheppard sighed, gritted his teeth, "Don't…do that again."

He was answered by another stick hitting him across the back of his knee and he lost his balance momentarily.

Mckay was smiling, "See." He was going red with the exertion.

Sheppard finally irritated by Mckay lashed out and was surprised when Mckay bought up a stick to block him.

Sheppard raised his eyebrows, licked his lips and then move forward to strike McKay's left thigh. He struck flesh and McKay yelped backwards, holding his leg. "Touché," he muttered.

Sheppard thought he would give up, but instead Mckay stood up straight and ran at him, swinging the sticks out at him. Sheppard managed to block him the first time, but a stick caught him in the knee again and he grunted. He didn't have time to react because Mckay was hitting him across the back now and hitting harder with every blow. His frustration now evident in his face.

Finally Sheppard had had enough and whilst striking at Mckay left knee, he swept a foot under him and sent him to the mats. Mckay lay there still and silent, breathing heavily and sweating slightly.

Sheppard stood over him, "What are you doing?"

Mckay rolled over onto his side, letting out a little gasp of pain, and as he studied his bleeding elbow he said, "I'm _trying_ to get you to fight."

Sheppard looked down at the man he considered his friend and held out as his hand. Mckay took it and stood up slowly, still panting.

"Why?"

"Because you're giving up."

Sheppard chewed his lip thoughtfully and then dropped his sticks to the ground with a loud clatter, "Come with me." He said as he walked out of the room.

------------------

It was late in the day and when they approached Elizabeth's office they could see that it was empty.

"What are we doing up here?" asked Mckay looking around nervously.

Sheppard waltzed into Elizabeth's office as if he owned it and walked over to a large filing cabinet on the back wall.

"You'll see," said Sheppard and he smiled briefly when he saw Mckay standing in the door way and shuffling from one foot to the other.

"Elizabeth wont be happy about this," said Mckay scanning the gateroom.

Sheppard opened up the files, rifled through them for a further few minutes before plucking one out and saying, "Ah here we go." He closed the cabinet and passed Mckay the file.

"What's this?" he asked looking at the manila folder and the name across the side _Major John Sheppard_ "Your file."

"Just read it," said Sheppard standing over him and crossing his arms.

Mckay opened the file and scanned the pages about his military career.

Sheppard growing increasingly frustrated, reached in and flicked the pages until he found what he wanted Mckay to look at and he leant back against the doorframe and waited.

Mckay read the file, _Afghanistan…blah…blah…….Sheppard saved the two Rangers from the Afghanistan militia in direct violation of orders given to him by his Commanding Officer…yadda…yadda….._Mckay looked up, "This is your black mark?" he asked.

Sheppard nodded and before Mckay could look into the file again he took it from his hands and walked back over to the filing cabinet.

"You saved them," said Mckay, "So why don't you want to sit in that chair? What's so awful about that?"

Sheppard walked up to him and before passing him to walk on he said, "It says I saved two rangers," he ground out, "It just doesn't say what condition I bought them back in."

"Major?" asked Mckay watching as Sheppard walked off quickly.

-------

Sheppard managed to get to his quarters and to the relative safety of his room before he threw up. The medication he was taking to stop the seizures was making him feel awful, only he neglected to tell them all that. He'd been throwing up intermittently and had had a headache ever since the first dose, but he covered it well.

If they knew what happened out there they wouldn't be trying to get him into the chair again and at the moment he'd rather be physically sick than relive the nightmare of that day.

TBC

_I'm evil sorry. Its obviously catching. I will reveal but I want to build tension so bare with me. Some action coming up and obviously all will be revealed._


	5. Chapter 5

The door opened and Sheppard instantly went into military mode, sweeping his legs from under the covers and reaching under his bed for his gear, all the while feeling utterly sleepy and somewhat confused, "What's going on? Is the city okay?" he asked rubbing at his eyes and standing to stretch.

The silhouette in the door walked in and sat down onto the bed beside him, "Nothing's wrong, don't worry."

Sheppard looked down at Mckay and shook his head, he dropped the vest that was in one hand and realised in his confusion he had picked up his lamp in the other, which led to him to ask, how in the _hell _had he got that mixed up with his earpiece?

He chose to sit on the chair next to his bed and leant his head against his hand, "Its like…..two in the morning," he said sleepily.

Mckay looked up at him through the dark and reached over to turn on the lamp. Sheppard shielded his eyes and spoke whilst his hands were still over them, "Spill it."

"You just left it there," said Mckay wringing his hands, "Okay so I've come to the conclusion that you didn't save them. Not in the conventional sense right? They were dead when you bought them back?"

Sheppard lowered his hands and was silent for a moment before clapping his hands together and leaning forward, "Well done Mckay."

Mckay scowled at him and raised a finger, "This isn't a game."

"I _know_ that Rodney."

"So what happened then? You couldn't save them right? Or they died in the Helicopter on the way back."

Sheppard was tired and he was in no mood to tackle this whole event with Mckay, especially in the early hours of the morning. He was still feeling unwell on the tablets he was taking and Mckay's non stop talking was beginning to hurt his head.

"Get me on this mission tomorrow," said Sheppard.

"What?" asked Mckay looking over to the man opposite him. He was starting to feel a bit bad about waking him. However, it had been funny to see him scramble around like that in response to a likely threat.

"Look, tell Beckett and Elizabeth tomorrow I'm good to go on this mission and then….I might be more inclined to tell you something."

"You're kidding, right?" asked Mckay. It was rather unusual that Sheppard was asking him this but he figured that he knew Beckett would say no.

"Look, Its an easy mission. We're just finalising the negotiations with the Ethurians," he said as he stood up, "I need some space. I need to get _off_ Atlantis, get some downtime away from Beckett and his mini penlight and all of the questions about the chair."

"And then you'll talk?" asked Mckay.

"I said then I'd be more _inclined_ to talk. Look these pills are working. I haven't had another seizure and I feel well enough to go on this mission."

Mckay stood, joining him in his pace, "Are you sure you're up to it?"

Sheppard gave him a look which told him he was.

Of course it was a cleverly concealed lie.

"At the morning de-briefing I'll ask," he said as he went over to the door, "But I wont promise anything. And if you do go, then I want you to tell me what this is all about."

Sheppard got back into his bed and pulled the covers over his head whilst waving a hand dismissively.

"You hear me Sheppard?"

"Yes," the mumbled reply came, "Then you'll find out. There, you happy, now go, goodnight."

------------------

Mckay walked into the debriefing room and found Elizabeth and Beckett sat together in deep thought.

"What's going on here?" asked Mckay coming to sit beside them.

Beckett looked up from a file in front of him but it was Elizabeth who spoke first, "Beckett was going over the information regarding the chair." She sat back and let her hands dance across the table whilst she thought, "Its disturbing stuff."

"Certainly is," said Beckett with a shake of his head. He skimmed through the pages of the file which was obviously Sheppard's.

"We're just beginning to scratch the surface," said Mckay reaching into his pocket for a power bar and opening it up. When he was nervous he ate and today he was going to eat a lot, "The ancients really believed they could use it for a higher purpose, it's a shame they were obviously misguided."

"Obviously Rodney," said Beckett closing the file, "But its still going to be the only way Sheppard will get better."

"How so?" asked Elizabeth leaning forward.

"Neurologically the chair has messed with his brain chemistry. He must let the chair extract the whole image so his mind and the chair can reconcile themselves."

"It's a matter of balance really," said Mckay, "As with anything," he threw in for good measure, "The chair only has half the information and Sheppard only gave half the information, so ergo, he has to get back in."

"Will it hurt him?" asked Elizabeth her eyes going between the two men.

"It might cause him some discomfort," said Beckett, "but I believe it will be for the best. At the moment the medication is suppressing the seizures, but when he finally has a seizure, either through default or through him missing a dose the results could be catastrophic."

Elizabeth nodded and looked up when Teyla entered the room, "Hi Teyla."

"Doctor Weir," she said looking at all three of them. Curiosity sparked in her eyes, "Am I late?"

"No," said Elizabeth, "We're early."

"So about this mission today," started Mckay, taking another nervous bite into his power bar, "Its just finalising the minor details of the negotiations right?" He glanced up quickly.

"Yes," said Elizabeth with a nod.

"Is Sheppard going to take us?" asked Mckay again keeping his eyes down and chewing even more furiously, "Because I think he should…take us..that is."

"Beckett?" asked Elizabeth.

"I'm not sure that would be a good idea right now."

"And you think having him cooped here will be any better, he just wants to go off world for a bit of space," blurted out Mckay.

Elizabeth narrowed her eyes, "You've already spoken to him?"

"I just…I," stuttered Mckay, "Look," he said dejectedly, "He just wants to go off world for some air."

"We have air here," said Beckett prodding a finger down onto the file.

"Different non Atlantis air," Mckay said rolling his eyes, "_And_ the medication has stopped the seizures."

"I'm not sure Rodney," said Beckett.

They all looked up when Sheppard swaggered into the room and shoving his hands into his pockets he tried to look as innocent as possible on seeing them all there, "Hey," he said and his eyes immediately locked with Mckay's.

Mckay's eyes were telling him…_abort…abort!_

"So the mission?" he asked.

"We already know," said Elizabeth.

Sheppard tried to keep his face neutral, "What are you talking about?" he tried.

"We know you want to go on the mission and we know you tried to get Mckay to do your bidding," said Elizabeth.

"You make me sound like some kind of evil genius," said Sheppard pulling out a seat and sitting down.

"Evil yes, genius, not so much," muttered Mckay.

"Look," said Sheppard smiling at them all, "I'm perfectly capable of going on this mission. I've been dealing with Atreu personally so he will be expecting me and I'm feeling good. The pills are doing their job Doc."

He stared at them all and tried to look confident and calm. His insides were screaming out, he wanted, _needed_, to get away from Atlantis for a while.

Beckett seemed to consider it, "I'm not happy about it."

Sheppard sat forward, "Is that a yes?" He was smiling fully now, beaming at the prospect of a bit of freedom.

"You cant stay on the medication forever," said Beckett.

"Why can he not?" asked Teyla finally voicing an opinion.

"Yeah, why not?" asked Sheppard.

"We don't know how long they might be effective for, not to mention the long term side effects they might have on your body. We need to seek alternative-"

Sheppard held a hand up, "Look, when I get back we'll talk about my options. Whilst the pills are working I want to keep taking them. Its my choice right?"

Beckett nodded.

"So?" he asked waggling his eyebrows.

Elizabeth had to admit, that the prospect of him going off world had made him more Sheppard like. Gone was the solemn smile and gone were the bags under his eyes. She figured him going was for the good of his sanity and after a minutes silence, she said, "You can go."  
"Yes," said Sheppard a bit too loudly.

"But, you check in every few hours and no overnight stays. I want you back as soon as possible."

Sheppard stood, "Okay guys, gear up we set off in an hour." He watched as Mckay trudged passed him and Teyla gave him a tap on the shoulder as she passed, "Thank you," he said to Beckett and Elizabeth before practically skipping out the door.

----------------

The trip off world had been exactly what Sheppard had needed and although he was still feeling rotten on the pills he had managed to hide that fact fairly well.

As they approached the village Mckay had started his one may crusade to wind him up again, "So?"

Sheppard turned to Teyla and gave her a smile, "How are you today?"

Mckay knew he was being ignored and waited patiently whilst Sheppard talked to Teyla about the Athosians and the mainland. He knew he was doing it so he couldn't talk to him, but he had other plans and promptly jabbed Sheppard in the side with a finger.

Sheppard let out a grunt and turned to him, "What?"

"I was asking you a question?"

Sheppard turned to Teyla, "Can you believe this?"

"Major, are we going to ignore the real reason you want to get off Atlantis?" Mckay said nearly tripping over a fallen log in his path.

Sheppard grabbed his elbow before he went down, "No."

"You'd rather take pills the rest of your life?"

Sheppard was having a hard time controlling his anger and moved to the right just as they approached a tree, forcing Mckay to stop or walk into it, "You did that on purpose," he shouted as Sheppard walked on.

"Yes, yes I did," said Sheppard with a smile.

"Why are you aggravating Doctor Mckay?" asked Teyla.

"Oh you know Mckay and me. We just like to wind each other up."

"There is some merit to his words," she said looking up at him with brown eyes.

Sheppard readjusted the P90 at his vest and kept his voice low, "Everyone has an opinion huh?"

"If the chair will cure you," she started.

"The chairs a damn joke. Nobody seems to care that I don't want to get back in the thing, so would you leave it. Both of you," he said turning back to Mckay and pointing a finger at him.

They had arrived at the village just as it was getting dark there and had been welcomed into a wooden hut of sorts for a meal.

Sheppard had started to feel his stomach roll as soon as he had smelt the rich food that they had prepared and he knew he would have to be polite and eat it. The three of them were all sat near the head of the table, with Teyla to his left and Mckay to his right.

Sheppard managed to eat a bit of food and came up with the cunning plan of placing bits of his food onto Mckay's plate. The weird thing was that Mckay never noticed and Sheppard surmised that he was just a greedy bastard. Sheppard managed to stow away a bread roll in his vest pocket when nobody was looking and was considering putting a kind of mashed potato into his pocket when Atreu addressed him directly, "You are enjoying the food?" he asked indicating to Sheppard's near clean plate.

"Yes, you really have put out a spread for us," said Sheppard taking a bite into some of the meat just for show. His stomach did a flop at the thought of digesting it and Sheppard just continued to smile whilst he chewed.

His watch beeped and he looked at the display. It was time for his dose of his medication and fishing into his pocket he took the pill with a glass of water.

"That your meds?" asked Mckay from beside him.

Sheppard swallowed hard against the nausea he had begun to feel and nodded weakly.

"Do you think this is lemon?"Mckay asked thrusting a piece of unidentifiable food under Sheppard's nose. Sheppard fought the sensation to throw up and felt himself go a bit green but managed to push his hand away, "I don't know, it looks like potato."

"But its yellow," said Mckay eyeing it suspiciously.

"So everything yellow is lemon," snorted Sheppard.

"I believe it is a spice of some kind," said Teyla, "Like this," she said and pushed another plateful of food right under Sheppard's nose.

Mckay was looking at the plate and nodding, "Yes that _is_ yellow. I think its safe."

Sheppard swiped away at the food and went to stand.

"Where are you going?" asked Mckay.

Sheppard was just about to tell him he was going to go outside for some air when Atreu stood up and grabbed him by the arm, dragging him to the head of the very crowded table.

Sheppard's head was now spinning and he tried to keep everything in perspective. That was difficult when everything moved around.

"Major Sheppard, you have made a good deal with my people. A deal which has been brokered on peace." He held up a glass and handed one to Sheppard. He took it gingerly and held it in the air, forcing a smile onto his pallid face.

"Now to bind the agreement, we must eat the kolas."

"Kolas?" asked Sheppard and he turned to Atreu for an answer.

He watched as one of Atreu's men bought around a dish and took off a cloth covering it. Underneath it was some kind of slimy, green mushy substance which looked a bit like baby vomit. Not that he had ever looked at baby vomit closely.

"That," said Atreu proudly.

"And I have to _eat_ that?" said Sheppard bringing a hand up to his stomach as it rolled notably.

Sheppard's eyes found Mckay and he could see that he was smiling. Teyla was also trying to hide her apparent amusement at the situation.

Atreu pushed his hand into the substance and scooped out some, dipping his fingers into his mouth and swallowing the stuff in one move. "Now you," he said pushing Sheppard's hand towards the bowl.

Sheppard was swallowing every second now, trying to keep the rising bile at bay. He plunged his hands into the substance and found an unpleasant smell come towards his nostrils. He bought it up to his mouth and said, "Here goes," before putting it into his mouth and mentally forcing himself to swallow it.

Atreu clapped him on the back and said, "The deal is done. Now eat."

Sheppard nodded and pointed to outside, "I'm just going to…I'll uh be right back," he said and practically ran out of the door.

As soon as the door closed behind him he heaved up his stomach contents next to the doorway and immediately felt better for it. That stuff had been gross and enough to send anybody over the edge.

The door opened and Mckay stormed out, nearly slipping on the mess on the floor and he seemed to back away from Sheppard immediately, "Oh god, did you have to do that there?" he said looking down at his feet, "Now its on my shoes."

Sheppard leant against the outside of the hit, his head against the wood and spitting the bile from his mouth, "That was disgusting," he murmured, "It was like……." He pointed at the floor, "Like that."

Mckay shook his head and maintained a distance from the Major, "Well at least you waited till you were out here."

"Oh you have eaten that?" he asked.

"Well you wanted to come here," said Mckay. "How long have you been unwell?"

Sheppard looked over to him, "Since I ate that crap," he shuddered.

"No, before that. How long?"

"You noticed?" asked Sheppard walking over to him and sitting down on a tree stump nearby.

"Well you've been green all day," said Mckay shoving him aside and sitting next to him, "You still convinced these pills are the way to go?"

Sheppard took his head form his hands long enough to glance at him, "No."

"So you'll go in the chair?"

Sheppard seemed to think about it, "It's difficult," he said as he leant forward.

"We'll all be there, it doesn't have to be."

"You'll all _be_ there. That's the problem." Said Sheppard, "You ever have secrets, things you'd rather not have people know?"

Mckay rubbed at his chin whilst he thought, "I guess."

"Exactly."

Mckay stood up and patted him on the shoulder, "Well you've agreed now. Its binding so in the chair you go."

"As long as there's no Kolas involved," he said clapping a hand over his mouth.

"Not near me," said Mckay turning away.

Sheppard groaned.

"We have to get out of here," Mckay said looking at his watch.

Sheppard looked up at him, his face sweating and asked, "Why?"

"You just took your meds and no doubt threw them up again. We need to get back to Beckett and get your next dose. We wont get the chair up and working and ready till at least tomorrow."

Sheppard stood up, "We just need to finish this food process and then we'll be good to go."

----------

It turned out the meal went on for a lot longer than they had anticipated and all in the vain of not offending Atreu and his people.

Sheppard had managed to nod his way through a number of conversations and Mckay had been purposely keeping an eye on him.

Within the last hour he had noticed Sheppard's eyes had become glassy and he had seemed vacant.

"Its time to go," he said standing up and grabbing Sheppard by the elbow.

He was surprised by his lack of protest and seemed to stand up without saying a word.

Atreu held up his hands, "Yes we have kept you here long enough."

"Well thank you and all that, for the food," said Mckay, "Say thank you Sheppard."

Sheppard seemed to snap out of his personal reverie and held his hand out, "Thank you," he said before a puzzled expression came over his face.

Mckay grabbed him and ushered Teyla out of the door but Atreu and his men followed them out to the village.

"Do you need escorts to the gate?" Atreu asked.

"No no, we're fine," said Mckay pushing on Sheppard. He had noticed a similar look on Sheppard's face a few days ago and knew something was going on in there. Beckett had warned against his missing a dose and that the effects could be devastating.

He was too late though and suddenly Sheppard grabbed his 9mil from his calf holster and held it up in front of him at some unseen enemy.

Atreu and his men all ducked, as did Teyla and Mckay stood between them all, panicking, "Sheppard, put the gun down."

Sheppard couldn't see him. He was lost in his own visual nightmare and he could see events in front of him, playing out beyond his control. "No," he said and Mckay watched as he fired off a shot from his weapon.

"Stop him," shouted Atreu, panic lacing his voice.

"Sheppard," Teyla shouted looking over to Mckay.

"He's seeing something which isnt there," said Mckay, "He's hallucinating," he said to Atreu.

Sheppard's eyes were unfocused and he was staring beyond him. There was no reaching him.

One of Atreu's people moved first and he dove at Sheppard and pushed him to the ground. He grabbed Sheppard's wrists and slammed them down onto the ground repeatedly until he dropped the weapon. Mckay could see Sheppard's knuckles had become bloodied from the savage pounding and he stepped forward.

"Stop, "said Mckay trying to reach Sheppard but he found himself restrained.

Atreu stepped forward, "Put him in a cell," he said sadly, "I do not know what is going on but this is unacceptable."

Sheppard was still moving and Mckay watched as Sheppard's hand was stamped on to prevent him from reaching out for his gun. His P90 had already been stripped off him and he was still moving around on the floor in obvious discomfort.

"He's not well," said Mckay, "You have to let us take him back."

"He will stay here till we decide what to do with him." Said Atreu angrily.

"Please," said McKay, "He needs help."

Sheppard was groaning as he was dragged away to a cell. The cell was outside and consisted of wooden branches laced together.

Mckay followed them as Sheppard was shoved into the cell. He dropped to the ground and didnt move.

"You may go," said Atreu with a flick of his hand.

Mckay stood helplessly and looked to Teyla, "Go back to the gate and let Atlantis know what's going on. I'll stay here and see if I can talk to them."

"Are you sure?"

Mckay looked back at Sheppard's prone body, "Somebody has to stay here with him in case he has a seizure. Tell Beckett he missed his last dose."

Teyla nodded and set off for the trees.

TBC

_NEXT CHAP I PROMISE…keep those reviews coming._


	6. Chapter 6

Atreu and his fellow Ethurians had disappeared into their hut with the intention of deciding what they should do with Sheppard. Mckay had suggested they let him go, then he would be far away from them, but they feared Sheppard's reaction maybe due to more than illness.

Mckay was sitting outside the branched cell, his legs pulled up to his chest. It had grown dark and cold since Teyla had left and his breath came out in a mist. He'd probably get a cold now and spend the next few days blowing his nose and coughing.

He kept his eyes on Sheppard's still form watching for signs of life. Small puffs of cold mist escaped from between his lips telling the scientist that he was still at least amongst the land of the living. He hadn't moved since being dropped into the cell and that worried Mckay. He only hoped that Teyla would bring back help in time.

He looked over to the hut where one of the Ethurians was peering out of the door. When he saw Mckay he slammed it shut and Mckay sighed. "Don't worry about me," he said.

A moan from within the cell had him jumping up onto his knees, "Major?" he said quietly.

Another groan and Sheppard's head lolled to the side.

"Major?" Mckay hissed.

"Please tell me I'm _not_ in the infirmary," said Sheppard, not opening his eyes and not moving.

"No you're not," said Mckay and he watched as Sheppard's eyes opened, "but you're in a cell, in the middle of the village in the freezing dead of night. Did I mention it's freezing?"

Sheppard groaned again and turned his head to look at Mckay. He didn't have the strength nor the inclination to move at this point.

He bought his hand up to his face and examined the swollen, bleeding mess he presented himself with, "What happened?" he asked as he flexed his fingers.

Mckay sat back against the cell and rubbed at his chin, "You kind of zoned out on us," said Mckay, "It looked like you were hallucinating and we couldn't get you to calm down so-," he paused.

"Rodney?"

"You pulled out your gun and fired off a shot before the Ethurians took you down."

Sheppard raised his head from the hard floor, "Did I hurt anyone?"

Mckay sighed, "No, you didn't."

"I think they broke my fingers," said Sheppard pushing himself up with weakened limbs and trying to keep himself semi upright.

"I sent Teyla to get help," said Mckay looking back over his shoulder.

"Good," said Sheppard. He flexed his fingers and pulled a face when they hurt.

Mckay watched as he reached into his vest pocket and pulled out some tape, he then proceeded to wrap his fingers together for support.

"How are you feeling at the moment?" asked Mckay.

Sheppard looked up at him and raised his eyebrows, "Right now, tired," he admitted.

"Don't you have anymore of your pills?" asked Mckay hopefully.

Sheppard felt around his pockets and came up empty, "I wasn't expecting to stay here overnight. They're on my side table in my quarters."

"Oh right, you want me to just go get them," snarked Mckay.

"I'm telling you, even fate doesn't want me to get back into that chair," said Sheppard. He was slurring his words a bit and he didn't know why.

"Don't start this again."

"I'm just saying. Don't you find this strange?"

Mckay laughed, "With you around, No. Doesn't this always happen?"

Sheppard shrugged, "Guess so."

His fingers securely taped he looked at his handiwork and smiled.

"So, whilst you're in there and I'm out here and we have nothing to do but wait, you wanna talk?"

"About?" asked Sheppard looking around the cell for a possible way out. He managed to push himself up and he walked over to one of the branches and gave it a tug. Nothing happened.

"Fine, be evasive," said Mckay.

Sheppard looked down at him and kicked at the branches. They didn't move, "I think we found ourselves a super tree," said Sheppard.

Mckay stood up now to join him, "You should sit down and not exert yourself."

"What am I pregnant all of a sudden?" asked Sheppard, "Leave me alone, I'm trapped in a cell, I have a headache from hell and I _want_ to walk around." He looked over to Mckay.

"A headache?" he asked.

"Yes, a headache."

"What kind of headache?" He crossed his arms.

"A _Mckay is talking to me_ headache," snapped Sheppard.

"Oh because I thought it might be a _just before a brain damaging seizure_ headache," he smiled.

Sheppard stood across from him and both men were trying to outstare each other, "Where the hell is Atreu? I want to talk to him."

"I tried to talk to him," said Mckay, "He didn't want to listen."

"You told him I was sick right?" asked Sheppard walking over to the other side of the cell and pacing like a caged animal.

"Of course I told him."

"Right," said Sheppard sitting down again, "I'll just wait here then."

Mckay was watching him again.

"Would you quit that?" he snapped.

"You're like a ticking time bomb at the moment," said Mckay. "Who knows when you might-" Mckay swivelled his head quickly when he heard the door to the hut swing open and Atreu walked over to them cautiously. All the while his eyes were trained on Sheppard.

"_Please_ tell me you're going to let him go," said Mckay with the briefest of smiles.

Atreu shook his head, "We are going to discuss this matter in the morning," he said bowing his head.

"What?" Mckay looked over to Sheppard and let out a strangled laugh, "He might be dead tomorrow morning."

This got Sheppard's attention and he said, "Thanks for the vote of confidence there buddy."

Mckay gave him a withering look, "You know what I mean," and then he was reaching out for Atreu's arm, "Please."

"You must leave," said Atreu calmly.

"I'm not going anywhere," said Mckay crossing his arms in an act of brainless defiance.

"The only way you can stay is to reside with him," said Atreu pointing a finger in the direction of the cell.

"Fine," said Mckay, "Then that's what I'll do."

------------

Both men were now sat at opposite sides of the cell and Sheppard for the umpteenth time since Mckay had been thrust into the cell sighed, "You _had_ to get put in the cell," he shook his head and bought his hands up to his head to rub at the headache forming there.

"If I left I wouldn't be of any help," said Mckay wrapping his arms around himself in an attempt to generate some body heat.

"You're not helping now," said Sheppard. He was cross legged in the cell and he was leaning on his elbows, massaging his temples and trying to get rid of the vestiges of tiredness and illness.

"Well at least you have company."

He watched as Sheppard continued to knead his head and he had noticed the Major's face was pale again. He seemed to be in quite some pain, though he would never admit that information voluntarily.

"Yeah company," said Sheppard looking up and smiling. It was then his nose started to bleed and cursing he reached a hand up slowly to try and stop the blood.

Mckay scrambled up onto all fours and moved over to him, reaching into his pocket for a handkerchief he had and passed it to Sheppard.

"You're kidding me right?" said Sheppard putting it up to his nose, "I thought only old men carried these."

Mckay narrowed his eyes, "Now I won't tell you if it was clean or not."

Sheppard passed it over to him and looked at it in disgust, "I think Id rather bleed all over myself."  
"It's _clean_," said Mckay grabbing it and shoving it at Sheppard's face.

If it was at all possible his face was going even paler, "You okay?" Mckay asked.

Sheppard shook his head, "No."

"Did you just say..no?"

Sheppard looked up at him with tired, blood shot eyes and forced a smile, "The pills I've been taking made me feel worse."

"You're such an idiot," said Mckay.

Sheppard seemed to lose the battle with staying upright and it was a blur between the time he actually started to sway and fall and Mckay laying him on the floor and putting his jacket under his head.

"You're going to freeze," said Sheppard. His teeth were chattering.

"No I'm not," said Mckay, "I put your jacket under your head."

Sheppard looked at his bare arms and nodded, "So you did."

Mckay got the picture and pulled his own jacket off and laid it over Sheppard.

"You know," said Sheppard, "If you told me something about yourself, It might make getting into that chair worth it."

"You're actually going to get in the chair?"

Sheppard closed his eyes against a distant ripple in his leg. It felt like a mini convulsion but he tried to ignore it, "Yes."

Mckay patted his shoulder. "This is good."

"So……a secret Mckay. Come on. You owe me that much."

"How do you figure that?"

Sheppard shrugged, "Because.." He didn't have an answer, because it was he who was so insistent on sitting in that damn chair.

"Okay," said Mckay rubbing his arms to keep himself warm, "Okay, a secret….uh okay, when I was twelve I"

"No," groaned Sheppard, "Not a childhood secret. Something relevant to now."

Mckay looked away and seemed to be taking the request seriously, "I guess….I guess I'm mean to people around me because.." he stopped and licked his lips, "Don't laugh but, I think I have to be mean to people because it stops them from finding out the real me and finding out that they still don't like me."

Sheppard looked up at the scientist and tried to think of something to say that would comfort him, instead he went the opposite way and said, "People like you?"  
"Ha, very funny."

------

When Beckett approached the village with Teyla at his side and Major Lorne to the rear he found himself cursing.

"Are you okay Doctor?" asked Teyla. She shone her flashlight in front of them to cut a clear path in the dark.

"Three hours of bloody walking," he said with a sigh, "Three hours. You said it was just a wee walk and now my feet hurt and I'm sweating and…" he stopped, "Bloody gate travel."

Teyla smiled and gave Beckett a comforting squeeze of the arm before looking back to Lorne.

"I'm not so sure I'll be good at negotiating," he said suddenly.

Lorne walked up beside them both, "Don't worry about that. I'm sure you'll be a natural."

Beckett snorted, "I just hope we're not too late," he said as they finally entered the village boundaries.

When they were in the centre of the village they heard somebody calling out to them and it was then that they could see a figure in a branched cell waving his arms furiously. They all walked over and could see it was Mckay.

"Rodney, what are you doing behind there?" asked Beckett instantly looking passed him and to the prone figure on the ground.

"Oh well I thought it looked so cosy in here I'd make it a holiday home," he panted, "You need to get us out of here. Sheppard's' been getting worse. He's already had a seizure since Teyla left. I held him down," he rubbed his arms and paced, "I think I did it right. So, we should hurry, right?"

Beckett nodded and he could see that Mckay was panicked and clearly shaken by the whole experience, "Is he conscious?"

"I hear you Doc," he heard the raspy voice say.

"I hear you're not feeling too well Major?"

Sheppard groaned, "That's the understatement of the century."

"You missed your last dose?" he asked.

Sheppard pushed himself up onto his elbows to the face the man, "Yeah, threw it up after that," he shuddered, "Kolas." He looked over to the others, "Oh hey Lorne, Teyla," and gave them a truly pathetic wave.

"Who are you?" The voice behind them made them all turn in unison.

Major Lorne stepped forwards, "Hi there, we're friends of Major Sheppard. We heard you had some.._trouble_ earlier?"

Atreu looked at them warily and his eyes seemed to focus on their weapons. Once he had seen their weapons as a measure to help protect them, but now they seemed more dangerous in the Atlanteans hands, "Major Sheppard fired his weapon at my people."

"Not intentionally," McKay's voice called from between the bars.

Beckett took a step forward, "Atreu is it? I'm Doctor Beckett. I was wondering if I could have a word with you about Major Sheppard's condition."

Atreu seemed to tire of the conversation," We will talk tomorrow. As I told.."

"Major Sheppard is very sick and he needs to get back to Atlantis." He paused, "He has a condition which can change rapidly. The visual disturbance he had earlier was most likely the result of his weakening neurological status."

"His _mind_?"

"Yes, " said Beckett hefting the big medical case down onto the floor, "He has been taking drugs to stop his body from having seizures. When he missed that dose his brain chemistry will have changed significantly enough to start the seizures. He really is very ill and," he walked over to Atreu and whispered, "He could die if we leave him here another second."  
Atreu's eyes widened, "We do not wish him to die, merely to contemplate what he did. He nearly injured my people."

It was Teyla's turn to step forward now in a show of her support, "You have spent many an eve with Major Sheppard discussing the negotiations. You know what kind of a man he is. He would never intentionally hurt your people and you have to trust that it is his illness which made him do so."

Atreu rubbed at his head, but took a moment to look to Sheppard. The man looked terrible and was lying awkwardly trying to listen to the conversation but also obviously trying to stave off unconsciousness.

"Please, come inside. Drink and you can explain this..illness."

Beckett nodded and said to the others, "I guess I'll see you in a while."

"Don't be long," said Lorne.

--------

After an hour Beckett was pushed out of the hut but Atreu didn't follow and he moved quickly to the side of the cell to open the door.

"They're letting him go?" asked Lorne, watching as Beckett used some keys to unlock the door.

Beckett fumbled with the keys and nodded, "Aye."

"What did you say to them?" asked Mckay.

"I just mentioned that they might want to let Major Sheppard go because we weren't entirely sure if his condition was contagious." Beckett looked up with a small smile.

"You lied," said Lorne with a bigger smile.

"Contagious?" Mckay asked taking a step away from Sheppard.

"Hey," said Sheppard.

Beckett managed to get the door open, "It's not contagious you idiot."

Beckett knelt down next to Sheppard and started to check over his vitals, "Do you think you can walk?" he asked.

Sheppard nodded and with a little help got to his feet, "Yeah I can walk."

----------

Major Lorne's IDC had just come through and Elizabeth was waiting anxiously at the top of the stairs for her people to come back through.

After a minute five figures appeared, but the gate had barely disengaged when Sheppard crumbled to the floor and started to convulse.

Elizabeth found herself running down the steps, calling for a medical team.

Beckett was already holding Sheppard's arms down to prevent himself from injury but she couldn't watch. To see Sheppard in such a way was too horrific to bare and she looked away.

"Okay," said Beckett as Sheppard's body started to calm down. His leg was still twitching as mini spasms ran the length of it, but at least it was over.

"Is he okay?" asked Elizabeth.

Everyone else in the team had taken a step back to give Sheppard some space and she acknowledged them all before kneeling down next to Sheppard.

Beckett was making his vital checks, "For the most part he's come out of this one alive." He looked up at her, "I'm beginning to think the pills wouldn't have lasted much longer anyway. I mean why would the chair allow for medical intervention. We should have done something about this ages ago."

"Its okay Carson," said Elizabeth calmly.

"We need to get him in that chair."

Elizabeth nodded, "Are you sure…..I mean will it help?"

"He cant keep going on like this," said Beckett.

Just at that moment Sheppard started to stir, his hands flew up and Beckett held them down until Sheppard's eyes had fully opened.

He was disoriented and looked around the room with unfocused eyes, "What…." He said trying to get up.

"Stay down," said Beckett in a low voice.

Sheppard was looking panicked and Elizabeth couldn't explain it. Something looked different within his eyes.

"What's going on?" he asked sitting up and immediately regretting it. He pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his head atop his knees.

Beckett looked over to Elizabeth with a puzzled expression.

"Is he okay?"

"Sir?" Lorne asked. He too was now beginning to catch their infectious worry.

Sheppard's head snapped up at that remark, "Shit, our Commanding Officers around?" and went to get up.

Beckett pulled him back down and he looked to the others.

"Ha ha Sheppard very funny," said Mckay laughing nervously.

Sheppard was looking utterly confused, "Me?" he laughed, "No, that's not." He rubbed at his eyes, "What's going on?"

"John, you are the Commanding Officer of Atlantis." Elizabeth paused.

Beckett was now reaching into his pocket and grabbing the pocket penlight. He tilted Sheppard's head up and tried to look at his pupil reactions all the while Sheppard was trying to move his head around, "They wouldn't make me Commanding Officer of garbage collection," and he let out a pained laugh.

"What's the last thing you remember?" asked Beckett.

Sheppard looked down at the floor and shook his head, "Uh, I'm supposed to be in Antarctica. My new post," he seemed utterly miserable, "But," and he held a finger up, "At least I can still fly."

"Beckett?" Mckay asked.

"The last seizure must have given him some memory loss."

"Can it be restored?" asked Mckay, he was pacing now.

Elizabeth looked to Sheppard and then back to Beckett, "Sheppard was posted to Antarctica after Afghanistan. Could this be related?"

Beckett seemed thoughtful and watched as Sheppard lowered his head to his knees again and started mumbling, "It's highly likely."

"I'll go set up the chair," said Mckay rocking back and forth on his heels.

Elizabeth nodded, "Do it,"

Beckett was now helping Sheppard up into a standing position, "Come on now."

Sheppard swayed unsteadily and Beckett held his elbow to keep him steady, "Did I have an accident?" he asked looking bewildered,

"Something like that."  
"Right," said Sheppard rubbing at his head, "Where are we going?" he was looking around the gate room now.

"We're going to take you back to the chair," said Beckett unable to think how to describe it any better.

"Right," said Sheppard obviously not really knowing what he was talking about. At least he was going there voluntarily.

--------------

They had managed to get him to the chair and he was now sitting in it without any complaint. Considering he hated the thing, so far it would seem, everything was going to plan.

"So this chair?" asked Sheppard, "What does it do again?"

Beckett sighed, "It'll help you get better." He turned to Mckay, "Are you ready yet?"

Mckay popped up from behind a console with his data pad in hand, "Just say when."

"Okay, " said Beckett and he turned to the various techs in the room aswell as Lorne and Teyla and Elizabeth, "Everybody who is not essential I want you out of here. Mckay obviously stays, Elizabeth, me and I want a crash team just outside the door. Teyla, I must ask you to leave too my dear."

"I will be outside," she said with a nod and then turned to Sheppard, "Good luck."

Sheppard retuned the nod but he still look confused.

"Is this going to work?" asked Elizabeth quietly so that Sheppard wouldn't be able to hear.

"I'm sure."

"Because If we're wrong."

"We wont be wrong," said Mckay, "Look as disturbing as this may be it's the only way."

"Rodney's right," said Beckett, "Think about it. Once the images were extracted from the participants mind the wraith would want them in top condition."

Elizabeth slowly got what he was talking about and put a hand up to her mouth, "They would want them healthy so they could feed off them."

Beckett leant in closer, "We know from experience that the wraith like healthy humans." He was of course referring to when they had captured Steve.

"Ready?" asked Mckay.

Beckett nodded.

Mckay flicked a switch and the chair lit up, reclined slightly and a light beamed out from the view screen and focused directly at Sheppard's head.

"How are you doing?" asked Beckett as he watched as Sheppard's face contorted into confusion and then acceptance.

"I….what happened Doc?" he asked sliding his eyes over to Beckett.

The screen in front of him was beginning to fuzz and an image was appearing.

"John?" asked Elizabeth, realising that he had now returned to his former self.

"Yeah," he said and looked forward at the screen, "What happened?"

"We lost you for a while," said Beckett, "You don't remember?"

Sheppard would have shaken his head but his head was immobilised by the light, "No, you can uh get me out of the chair now," he said hopefully.

Mckay sighed from behind him, "You said you would go in it."

The image was clearer now and Sheppard recognised it as Afghanistan. It was picking up from where it had left off, "I've changed my mind. _Please_, get me out of this."

"We can't Major, you're going to have to face up to this." Beckett looked apologetic.

Sheppard wanted to close his eyes, wanted to shut out the image in front of him, but he knew he would still be able to hear it. "Look, I've changed my mind." He had finally got to the stage where this memory could not be forgotten.

"I'm sorry Major," Beckett said.

_He could feel the relentless ache in his shoulder from the bullet he knew was lodged there. Blood was weighing his uniform down and making his back feel wretched and sticky._

Sheppard in his chair shifted against the sensation. He could feel the pain of that day. His shoulder ached.

"What's wrong?" asked Beckett as he watched the heart rate monitor he had hooked up to Sheppard. His heart was racing.

"Hurts," Sheppard managed to ground out.

Elizabeth was starting to doubt whether they had done the right thing, "Carson?"

_He had been shot from behind, that he knew, and he turned and fired behind him at the two foreign soldiers running at him from beside his helicopter._

"_Davey!" he shouted and looked over to where he was standing. He was firing at the two Afghan soldiers, intent on his capture, and sending them to the ground in a spray of blood._

_He could see even from his position that one of them had a gun in his hand and he fired off a single shot into the Afghan's head before he could shoot his friend._

_Davey was standing there in obvious shock, the gun in his left hand dropping to the sand, the other flying up to his mouth. He turned away from the bodies and threw up into the sand._

_He wanted to tell Davey he would find a way to deal with the death of others, even if they were the enemy, but it could wait till later and he ran as fast as his injury would let him, over to the two Rangers lying sprawled on the ground._

_He could hear helicopters in the distance and he realised then he would have to be quick._

_The two Rangers were face down in the sand and he used his good arm to turn one of them over. His stomach lurched there when he saw the face of the soldier. He wasn't an American soldier. _

_He was an Afghan._

"_No," he said looking back to where Davey was on his knees and still heaving up his stomach contents._

_With a shaking hand he rolled the other Ranger over. _

_He too was another fellow Afghan._

"_What?" They were both wearing the Rangers uniforms. _

_He could feel bile at the back of his throat but a more pressing instinct drove him up onto his feet._

_Keeping his weapon up he ran over to Davey, up a slight incline and with a tentative hand pulled Davey up to his feet, "Don't say it," he said wiping his face with his hand._

_Davey shrank out of his grasp and went down to his knees again, "He took my weapon and shot the rangers," he said pointing to the soldiers at his feet through dry heaves, "I thought…shit, I thought he had killed our men so I shot them both."_

_He was feeling his energy fade away and that sick feeling in his gut increased as Davey started pitiful sobs, "I didn't know," he said as he wiped his eyes with a gritty hand._

_He knelt down in front of the two Afghanistan soldiers and rolled one of them over. Then he slowly looked at the face of the other solder, on his back and bleeding profusely from a hideous wound. They were both his fellow American soldiers._

"_They switched the uniforms," he said._

_Davey nodded, "I just killed our own men."_

_He was looking at the bullet hole in one of their heads, the one he had just fired on believing he was going to kill Davey. He was merely reaching out for help, "We killed them," he spat onto the floor the acrid bile._

"_What are we going to do?" asked Davey._

_He was standing now and pacing back and forth. The younger soldier was still on the floor, staring at the bodies and wringing his hands._

_He was surprised when Davey stood up, "We should leave them, say we couldn't save them."_

_He couldn't believe what he was hearing, "No," he said holding out a hand and swaying now against the dizzying pain in his shoulder, "We don't leave men behind. We're taking them back."_

_Davey was furious, "They'll know," he said and gave him a shove so hard it sent spike of pain through his body which he thought might make him pass out._

"_Davey, we're taking them back."_

_Davey kicked at the sand in frustration, seemed to have an idea and stood still, "We need to strip the bodies," he said._

_He was having a hard time swallowing the whole situation and the sound of gun fire and propellers was getting close enough that he didn't have time to think. The real Afghan's would be on top of them in minutes. He was feeling weak from loss of blood and his thoughts felt impaired so he said, "Lets be quick." _

Sheppard from the chair let out a groan of despair and he tried to shut his eyes against the onslaught of pain and equally harrowing images. The whole room was silent and the others weren't saying a thing.

"You see," he managed to strangle from his throat, "You see _why_ I didn't want.." his voice broke.

There was a hand on his shoulder which squeezed him tightly and he barely felt it. He felt so detached from reality, "Its okay," he heard a Scottish voice murmur. "The first bullet, Davey's, was to the abdomen. Very painful. Your shot would have been a mercy killing." Beckett's words, although meant to help him, meant nothing to him.

Sheppard watched the screen and he remembered vividly now taking off from that site and hearing Davey's cries from the back of the helicopter and his own inner turmoil at having fired the final shot which sealed a mans death.

"It should turn off," said Beckett and he turned to Mckay.

Mckay was standing looking at Sheppard with a solemn expression, his eyes sad. "Why would they do that?" he murmured and shook his head.

Elizabeth to his right had a hand covering her mouth as she contemplated how traumatic that must have been for Sheppard. It had most certainly been traumatic to watch.

"It won't turn off," said Sheppard, his voice even, "Because there's more." His jaw was set as he waited for the next image to come.

TBC

_Yeah there's more pain in store for our Shep. Hope that made sense to you all. Please review so I can hit the 100 mark. Pretty please._


	7. Chapter 7

Sheppard had never felt so exposed in all of his life.

He had, for as long as he could remember, been a closed off person, through choice rather than circumstance. He didn't like people to get too close and in a sense he purposely kept them dangling that way. He doubted anybody really knew him. Other than what they knew from instinct or experience, they really had no idea what made him John Sheppard. None of them knew about his family, his father for instance was a respected General in the Air Force.

Elizabeth had known about his black mark but he had never said specifically what it meant.

He continued to stare at the screen in front of him, knowing that after _that _event there was one more thing which managed to replay in his mind. If anything he was partly thankful to it for steering him to Atlantis but on the other hand without him Sumner might be alive and as a result the wraith would be no more and Ford would be…well Ford, instead of super Ford.

He wondered if Sumner and Ford would pop up on the screen, but ultimately it was this one event which had shaped the course of his life

The screen went black for a second before coming to life and showing a dark corridor.

He could hear everyone's hushed breathing behind him as his point of view from the next day played out in full Technicolor.

He remembered that day clearly. His court hearing was scheduled for the next day and he had been banned from flying and fraternizing with the other men, but he had managed to get out and had gone for a much needed run.

_From his point of view he was entering the communal shower rooms and walking over to the sink. He could feel the pain in his shoulder flaring up and when he rolled up his shirt sleeve he could see that there was blood there and realised that his stitches must have split. He set about using the water to clean off his arm and it was only when he looked in the mirror did he catch the reflection of something behind him._

_He turned slowly and realised he could see a boot poking out from the large wash room behind him._

"_Hey?" he called out uncertainly._

_The boot was immediately retracted and he was sure he could hear a sob escape the troubled person._

_He approached the wash area slowly, not knowing what to expect, and peered around the corner. He could see a figure sat in the corner, legs pulled up to their chest and a gun dangling in the hand between their legs._

_All pain in his shoulder forgotten he walked over to the figure and knelt down. As soon as his knees connected with wet floor he could see the face of the soldier more clearly, "Davey?" he asked reaching out and gripping him by the shoulder._

_Daveys head snapped up and even in the darkness he could see the track marks of tears._

"_Davey, what's going on?" he asked glancing down at the gun in his hand._

_Davey didn't answer. He merely buried his head back into his arms and a sob escaped him. _

_He swallowed thickly and with his good hand reached forward to take the gun._

_Davey obviously sensed his movement and in an instant his grip on the weapon became firmer and he pointed it up at John, "Don't," Davey said as he heaved in a painful breath._

_He pulled back slowly and put his hands up in a gesture of peace, "Come on man, it's me. It's Shep."_

_Davey's face crumbled when he could no longer hold his composure and he looked at the gun in his shaking hands, "This was the one-," he said wiping his nose with the sleeve of his jacket, "This is the gun I used to kill our men."_

_He bit his lip and heard the words echo around the wash room, "Look Davey, I know this is hard but-"_

"_You," Davey spat, his voice rising in pitch, "Didn't kill those men."_

"_You weren't to know," he said still holding his hands up despite the pain which radiated down his shoulder, into his back and around his side._

"_You dragged me into this," Davey was saying and he was scrubbing at his face. His voice was breaking._

_He couldn't argue with him there. He was right and he knew that a day wouldn't go by where he wouldn't regret that decision for the rest of his life. He even hoped that tomorrow at his hearing he did get punished so that it could justify the guilt he felt._

"_I know it's hard," he said inching closer, "but you have to pull yourself together. You get through this hearing tomorrow and-" he paused and tried to think what he could say._

_Davey closed his eyes wearily and shook his head, "I can't," he said as fresh tears stung his eyes and fell down his face. _

_Davey in an instant he was looking at the gun with absolute clarity and as he talked he slowly repositioned the gun up against his temple, "I'm not a hero," he said with a shake of his head. The gun pressing harder into the side of his head._

_He shifted closer now, "That's what you're worried about? Not being a hero?" he asked, realising that Daveys choice to even go into the military forces was a misguided one._

"_I wanted to help our men, instead I killed them. In the split second I pulled the trigger I knew he was an American but my brain responded too slow and by then-" his finger depressed the trigger slightly, "By then it was too late."_

"_Davey, you don't want to do this, not like this," he said feeling his own composure wane. _

_Now he was not only fighting with Davey to stop himself from ending it all in this way, but he was trying to keep himself upright and strong, "What about your wife?"_

_Daveys eyes were open wide and his lips were trembling, "I couldn't look her in the face," he said tears dropping off the end of his nose._

"_You have a baby on the way," he said inching even closer to his friend, "Please don't do this."  
Davey was pressing the gun even harder against his skin. His hand was shaking and he was beginning to doubt the mans ability to stop himself._

_Davey was shaking his head, sobbing, his right hand was balled up into a fist and hitting the wet floor, "I can't."_

_His hands were reaching out now and they were shaking but he had to stop him, "Think about this, just…think," he said._

"_Aimee," said Davey._

"_Yeah Aimee, she wouldn't want to hear about this. Not like this."_

_His aim on his head was dropping, becoming loose and his arm lowering._

"_She wants you to come home."_

_Davey was still sobbing and he had never seen a man cry like this before._

_It angered him somewhat that he couldn't cry like this, that he couldn't let all the demons out in this one expression. Instead, he knew they built up inside like a house of cards. _

_It would only take one breath of this to bring them all down._

"_Please," he said as his hands cupped around Daveys._

_They were silent, both men breathing heavily and him with the added pain of his injury reminding him he was alive and not to let Davey get out so easily, "Just let go of the gun."_

_Davey shook his head._

"_Okay," he said, "Okay, just don't…don't do anything stupid."_

_Davey nodded. Silent and seemingly in control of his emotions. "I'm sorry," he said quietly._

"_Its fine," he said, his heart hammering so hard n his chest he thought it might burst out. "That's…fine," he said and tried to keep his head clear._

_The moonlight lit up the room enough for him to see his friend._

"_You are going to be okay," he said._

_Daveys eyes seemed to agree, but they went wide on noticing something._

"_You're bleeding," said Davey pointing with his unarmed hand._

_He looked down and could see the blood through his shirt, "Shit, yeah I am," he let out a strangled laugh._

"_We're a state huh?" said Davey. He bought a hand up and wiped at his tears._

_He nodded, "Yeah."_

_Daveys eyes met his in the dark, they glistened from what little light came through a small window. "You should go clear that up."_

"_No, I'm good."  
"Go on, I don't need you bleeding all over me here, just…go over there and clean it up. I'll sit here."_

_He eyed the gun and swallowed, not wanting to leave the fragile man._

"_Look I'm fine," he said, "I just had a…crazy moment. I love my wife too much." He said, but something in the way he spoke had his heart hammering again. _

_Was there a tremor in his voice?_

"_Okay," he said on feeling the pain in his shoulder flare up, "I'll be right over there." He reached out for the gun._

"_What you don't believe me?" Davey narrowed his eyes._

_He stood slowly, "Of course," he said, his eyes still on the gun and still hesitantly moving backwards, "I'd just feel better if I had it."_

"_I'm fine," said Davey more firmly and smiling. He was looking more like himself._

"_You sure?"_

"_Yeah Shep, you saved me."_

"_Okay."_

"_You're a good friend man."_

_He nodded and gave him a glance over his shoulder before walking back over to the sink. _

_He was pulling up his top and said, "Look maybe when this is all over-" _

_The shot that rang out behind him split the air and he found himself instinctively going to his knees. His hands were gripping the sink tightly and his knuckles had gone white._

_Without turning, without saying a word he sat on the floor silently and breathed in heavily against the dizziness in his head._

"_You son of a bitch," he murmured as he lowered his head against the sink._

_He could only hear the dripping of the water from the tap and his heart in his ears._

_Both reminding him he was alive._

_He didn't need to turn to know Davey was dead. _

_All he had to do was look at the floor as a rivet of blood ran towards him._

The screen in front of him suddenly went dead and instead of jumping out the chair like he had earlier planned he leant forward and put his head in his hands.

He didn't know how long he was sat there like that but he was left alone for a while. He thought he heard them shuffling out of the room to give him space at some point, but he couldn't be sure.

It was only when he felt somebody touch his shoulder did he look up with tired bloodshot eyes.

"Its okay," said Beckett.

He nodded and lowered his head again, unable to maintain eye contact, unable to shift his last images of Davey from his head.

"Your EEG is looking good," said Beckett quietly, "but I want you to spend the night in the infirmary anyway."

Sheppard nodded. His senses were completely numbed and he didn't know how to get over it, "Daveys wife was distraught," he said with a sigh, "I had to tell her at his funeral some made up heroic shit." He laughed and sank forward, heaving in another sigh and fighting the prominent urge to cry.

He never even cried at Davey's funeral, nor when he saw those bodies, but now he felt drained and ill equip to deal with his fellow men and women.

Was it possible to cry without spilling any tears?

Beckett stood next to him silently.

"One of the men who had died, his father was a General. He was actually thankful that I bought his sons body back. Often relatives don't get a body in war and they bury an empty coffin, but this guy he actually thanked me," he let out a laugh which didn't mask his disgust, "He thanked me for not letting the Afghanistan's desecrate his body." He looked up and stared at the screen as if he could still see it playing out there, "That saved me. He put in a good word, they put a spin on it to make me sound more heroic and at the hearing I got the choice to continue my tour with them or go to Antarctica," he looked down at his hands and clenched them, "But Davey, I kinda wish his parents never got to see his body." He balled up his fist, "Shot to the head. Not pretty for them." He tried to even his breathing out, "You know, they blamed that on guilt for not saving the men." It felt good to talk, despite the subject matter.

For so long he had suffered in silence.

For so long he had been crippled with guilt.

"I can't imagine how that must have been for you," said Beckett taking a step back. Close enough to let Sheppard know he was still there, but just far enough to give him space.

Sheppard laughed quietly, but it seemed to become caught in his throat and strangulate into a groan, "I should have taken the gun off him." He looked up, "I believed the son of a bitch when he said he wouldn't kill himself."

Beckett wasn't sure what to say. There was no book which told you how to deal with a scenario of this sort. It wasn't often people were forced to watch history play out in front of them, especially not traumatic history.

Sheppard's hands and legs were trembling and his stomach roiled. "Where are the others?"

"Outside," said Beckett, "They wanted to give you space."

"Scared huh?" he said looking up and leaning on balled fists.

"No," admitted Beckett, "They want to help you."

"Ha," he said rubbing at his eyes, "Help me." He smiled softly as he thought of them all pacing outside the door.

"What do you think Doc? Honestly."

Beckett took a step back and leant on one of the consoles there. He raised a hand and started t stroke his chin whilst he thought, "War is messy," he offered, "And you weren't to know. Your shot was fired in motivation to save your friend. Covering it up wasn't smart but you wanted to give the soldier a chance. You didn't leave the bodies behind."

"And what about Davey?" he asked now turning to Beckett fully.

"Some people are stronger than others. We all saw it, you tried John, but some people are beyond saving."

He nodded and stared at the screen again. He had secretly hoped on screen it would play out differently.

"I just hope you're not beyond saving," said Beckett honestly.

"You don't have to worry about me Doc," he said eerily calm.

"Maybe if you talked to Kate-" he offered.

He shook his head gently, "No Beckett. No shrinks."

"Okay."

Silence again.

Blessed silence.

Sheppard bought his hands together again and rested his head on them, "I'm going to sit here for a while."

"Okay, I'll sit with you," said Beckett jumping up onto the console and getting comfortable.

-------------

_TBC_

_There's going to be some much needed recovery and possibly room for more whump. Please keep reading._


	8. Chapter 8

Beckett closed his office door and sank into the chair at his desk. He had managed to get Sheppard settled in the infirmary, but he knew he was still sitting bolt upright in the bed and staring vacantly at the same spot he had been half an hour ago.

After they had left the chair room he had tried to coax more conversation from the man, but he seemed even more closed off and refused to talk any further about what he and the others had seen.

If Beckett squinted enough he could just make out the Major's silhouette through the frosted glass.

He leant forward into his hands and felt the emotions within him stirring.

Seeing what he had seen and knowing that it affected a friend that was dear to him had been excruciating. As it was when any one of them was bought in.

This one had affected him particularly and he couldn't stop the tears that welled up in his eyes and started to fall. He swiped at them angrily and tried to convince himself to remain calm and detached. He'd be no good right now if he kept blubbering like a baby every time he had to talk to or see Sheppard.

No, he had to pull himself together.

He stabbed at the button on the data pad in front of him and let the sound of the computer whirring to life cover his silent sobs for a moment.

When the screen finally came on he gave his eyes one last rub, took in a deep breath and set about making a new entry onto Major Sheppard's files.

He decided whilst he was there to look back to the period in which the event had occurred. He wanted to know if Sheppard had actually spoken to somebody about it all.

He found himself narrowing his eyes when he saw a data entry missing for around the time period. Where there should have been information was a clear space. He'd have to ask Sheppard about that at some point because it looked remarkably like him that something had been stricken off his record.

------------------------

When Mckay got into his lab he walked straight over to his chair and started typing on his computer. He couldn't, _wouldn't_, let his mind wander over what he had just seen. He couldn't imagine how Sheppard could have kept that so quiet about it,and how had he helped? By offering a measly story about how he feared how people thought about him. Well, it looked ridiculous in perspective now because he knew the feeling would be magnified five fold for Sheppard.

He turned to the coffee pot and walked over to it, pushing the switch and picking up a mug all in one fluid movement.

For the first time in his life, science seemed scary.

If they hadn't found that room Sheppard would never have had to seen that image again.

Mckay's stomach was lurching at the thought and his coffee seemed uncharacteristically unappealing.

_Work,_ I just need to throw myself into my work, he thought and got back down onto his lab chair.

He typed for hours but when he looked later it looked like the garbled scrawling of a child.

------------------------

Elizabeth wasn't going to sleep tonight.

She felt bad because Teyla had so wanted to know what they had seen and yet she had been unable to tell her anything, but worst off all she didn't know how she was going to talk to Sheppard.

For her Sheppard had always been a pillar of strength. He never seemed fazed by anything they came across and he was quick witted, sure of himself and intelligent to boot. Sure they had come to loggerheads on occasions but that's only because he was passionate about what he believed.

They always tried to be respectful of each other, even if sometimes they didn't agree.

Damn it, his _never leave men behind speech_ now put everything into perspective. On that first day he must have thought she was an idiot.

She was now also shocked at the sudden in depth knowledge she had acquired about a man before she barely knew.

She continued to stand just outside the door to the infirmary, pacing back and forth and wringing her hands out.

She needed to talk to him but she didn't know what to say.

She wanted to see him but she didn't have the heart to look at him.

It was all such a mess.

She willed her legs to move and with her head held high and a smile plastered on her face she walked into the infirmary.

Her smile dropped when she saw that Sheppard was still sitting up in bed, wide awake and staring off at another point in the room. He barely registered her presence and she had to say his name three times before he actually acknowledged her, albeit with a curt nod.

"I just wanted you to know," she licked her lips, "I wanted-" she paused, finding the words not forthcoming, "It doesn't change the way I feel about you."

He turned to her and raised a quizzical eyebrow.

"Not that," she said raising a placating hand, "I mean. You're still the Commanding Officer here and you will have all of the support you need. I mean it." She nodded.

He looked at her and gave her a sad smile, "Thank you."

"I'm going to…I'll leave you to sleep," she said.

She stood beside the bed awkwardly for a moment but before she left, she leant in, wrapped her arms around him and gave him a hug. She hadn't expected him to respond but his arms reached up around her and he rested his head on her shoulder briefly.

She pulled back and his hands lingered on hers a moments longer than she thought he intended, "Night."

He nodded and looked straight back at that spot on the wall again. "Night," he said when she had left.

---------------------------

"Morning." The voice over his head woke him up more sharply than he would have intended, but he managed not to bolt upright in bed. Instead, he managed a composed one eye open, then the other.

Mckay was standing over him with a tray of food, in fact he had another tray in his other hand and he was balancing them both in a ridiculous manner. He looked like a clown doing a circus trick.

Great, _clowns_, another fear. Lets bring those to the equation too, he thought as he sat up slowly.

He silently took the tray from Mckay and set it down on his lap.

"I thought I'd bring you breakfast," he said looking up from the chair he had pulled up close to the bed, "What we got? I got you oatmeal with raisins, I know you like that. Me, I got toast and look little pots of jam. _Tiny_ pots of jam, " he said quietly, "Jell-o, yep pudding I hear you cry, in the morning too," he waited but no response came from the Major, "And coffee, cant start the day without coffee." He looked up at Sheppard and gave him a half hearted smile before tucking into his food, "Eat," he said through a mouthful of toast, "bef….i…g…cold," he sprayed crumbs onto the floor and moved them around with his free foot. All the while the tray was making its way towards his knees, threatening to fall off, and his jell-o was sliding around as if it were making a break for it.

Oh to be the jell-o, thought Sheppard morosely.

Sheppard merely watched the spectacle and turned his face up at the oatmeal he was presented with.

He knew he was being rude not talking and he appreciated Mckay making the gesture but he lacked the energy nor the inclination to indulge in small talk when there was this massive black mark – _literally_- hanging in the air.

"I worked on some equations last night," he picked up another piece of toast and shoved it in his mouth, "I think my minions are getting worse at working out numerical data," he laughed to himself, "And I mean, what's the point anyway, I should be working down there on my own. Things would get done a lot faster," he laughed again, spraying more crumbs.

Sheppard nodded but his eyes were focused on the oatmeal. He wasn't making any moves to eat it, but he also wasn't making any moves to throw it against the infirmary wall.

Mckay had organised the raisins into a smiley face.

"It's your favourite," he said now waving a spoon in the air.

Sheppard picked up his own spoon and made about turning the smiley face into an un-smiley face.

"You always moan that there isn't any left in the morning, even though you get up at a ridiculous hour might I add. I get you some and you stare at it as if it's a bowl of puke."

Sheppard promptly dropped the spoon with a loud clatter and pushed the bowl away from him.

"Fine," said Mckay standing up and nearly dropping the tray again. He snatched up the bowl and put it on his own tray. He didn't fail to notice that raisins had moved.

He dug his spoon into it, swirling them around to try to get rid of Sheppard's artwork, "You gonna talk?" he stopped chewing to draw breath.

Sheppard's eyes connected with his and he swallowed thickly.

"Wow, are you about to say something?" asked Mckay, "Because if you are I'd like to immortalise this moment." He ignored Sheppard's scowl and continued to eat.

"You can be a real ass sometimes," Sheppard finally said.

Mckay nearly choked on his food, "There you go, that wasn't so hard was it?"

Sheppard sighed and raised his eyebrows before pushing the tray further down the bed.

"Why were you ignoring me?" asked Mckay.

"Why did you ignore _me _last night?" he countered.

Mckay shrugged and continued to eat, all the while his eyes downcast.

Sheppard rubbed at his eyes.

"I didn't know what to say to you," Mckay suddenly said.

Well, at least he was honest.

"So I hid in my lab." He supped on his coffee and looked at Sheppard over the top of the mug.

Sheppard scratched a hand through his hair, "I'm going to have a shower." He pulled back the covers and hopped off the bed, just in time to catch Mckay's drifting tray, "I'm fine by they way," he muttered.

"I didn't ask because I knew you would say you were fine and lets face it you don't talk to me anyway," he let Sheppard continue to hold the tray, "But if you did actually want to talk to me I _would_ listen."

"You wouldn't be able to hear through your massive ego," snapped Sheppard.

Mckay shook his head, "I get what you're doing here. Fine."

Sheppard passed the tray back to Mckay but he didn't want it and tried to shove it back at Sheppard.

"And I never," _shove_, "Moan," _shove_, "About," _shove_, "The oatmeal."

Finally the tray dropped between the two men and onto the floor with a loud clatter.

It was enough to rouse Beckett from his office and he regarded them with a shake of his head, "Morning to you too," he said as he walked around to view the damage, "Oatmeal," he said, "Sticks to the floor like bloody cement. Thank you."

Sheppard stepped over the mess on the floor and gave Mckay a pat on the shoulder, "I'm going for a shower," he said his head hanging low.

"Wait a minute," said Beckett reaching out for his wrist, "I wanted to ask you about something."

"What?" asked Sheppard.

"There's a discrepancy in your file."

"What kind of discrepancy?" he asked sighing.

"As in some of it has been deleted."

Sheppard shrugged out of his grip and started for the shower cubicles, "You sure you haven't lost it?"

"It's definitely been taken off deliberately. Major it coincides with.." he paused, "It coincides with Davey's death and I was wondering if-"

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Sheppard setting his jaw.

"Are you sure?"

He nodded and walked out.

"Did you see that?" said Mckay, "he's hiding something."

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

The infirmary was empty when Elizabeth walked in. She didn't really know what she had expected to see and if she was truly honest with herself she didn't know if Sheppard _not _being there was a good thing or not.

She walked over to Beckett's office and rapped on the doorframe with a knuckle.

Beckett looked up from whatever work he was doing on the computer and ushered her in.

"You know you're missing a patient?" she said as she perched on the edge of the desk.

"I know. I let him go."

Elizabeth felt her eyebrows shoot upwards and she leant in closer, "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Beckett leant back in his chair and crossed his arms, "His EEG was clear, as was his blood work and blood pressure. There's no medical reason to keep him here." He rubbed at his tired eyes. He'd only managed a few hours sleep here and there last night and he felt emotionally shaken by the groans and weak cries Sheppard had let out in his fitful sleep.

"We need to get him to talk to Kate," said Elizabeth picking up Beckett's stethoscope from the table and moving it between her nervous hands.

"I've already asked him. He said he wont, and I'd be inclined not to force him."

Elizabeth tapped the stethoscope down on her knee whilst she thought, "Any suggestions?"

"We let him work," said Beckett gently extricating the stethoscope from her hands and placing it around his neck, "Suffocating him isn't going to do him any good. He needs space to work this out."

"But after what he saw, what _we_ saw-" she paused, "he cant just go on as normal."

"I'm not saying he will, but we forget he's already been through this once before and he must have dealt with it back then somehow because the Sheppard we know is reasonably well balanced."

"That's the debateable," said Elizabeth.

" If he needs to talk..I was going to offer myself as a counsellor. He opened up to me quite a bit about what happened last night."

Elizabeth nodded, "Okay," she was wringing her hands and she finally stilled them on realising something, "You think maybe _we're_ all the ones who need the counselling?" she asked with a light smile.

Beckett stood up from behind his desk to stretch out the kinks, "Aye."

"All of it was so horrific and yet……" she breathed in, "That's war."

"You're a negotiator," said Beckett fondly, "You try to broker peace. I'm not surprised you found it all rather disturbing."

"And what about Rodney? Have you spoken to him since?"

"This morning," he said, "He seemed to be dealing with it fairly well. I think he just wants to be supportive of Sheppard," he shrugged, "Who knows what goes on anyone's heads huh."

Elizabeth nodded and stood up to join Beckett as he walked through to the infirmary, "Well if you're convinced enough that Sheppard should still be working I'm with you," she said.

-------------

Sheppard had successfully so far today managed to keep himself busy. He'd gone down to the south pier for a leisurely run after his shower, spent some time in the shooting range steam and he had finished that stack of mission reports he had been meaning to get updated with.

He still had a few appointments here and there but right now he was in the mood for letting out some of his pent up aggression.

Teyla passed him his sticks and they moved to the centre of the room.

"Are you sure you are up to this?" she asked twirling the sticks over her hands in an impressive display of skill.

"What, you saying I cant beat you?" said Sheppard with a grin.

She smiled back at him and nodded, "I only wish to make sure you are concentrating. It has always been your failing before."

Sheppard swallowed hard on the mention of failure but forced composure. He too twirled the sticks and raised an eyebrow, "Maybe I get distracted by the high cut skirts you wear," he joked.

Teyla moved forward to take her first swing and missed him, "You _don't_ focus," she said.

As her stick swiped forward he moved back just in time for it to whistle passed his ear and he narrowed his eyes, "That was me focusing on not getting hit," he said and launched forward in his own assault.

His stick connected with hers and there was a series of clacks and gentle tapping before she finally struck his left thigh. He jumped up and down to stop the tingling sensation and took an exaggerated step back, "You know what I like about you Teyla?" he said as he moved forward and bought his left hand around to strike.

She blocked with her right and for a moment they were close, pressing the sticks together in a tight lock, "Why would that be Major?" she said bringing her foot under his leg and making him lose balance.

Sheppard twisted himself out of their lock and backed away, "Because you didn't see what was on that damn screen," he said as he twirled the sticks, "So you don't look at me with these sad eyes. Like everyone else has today."

Teyla swung out and caught his arm.

They continued to spar again until Teyla spoke, "But I would _like _to know," she said as she moved away from him, ducked and swung the sticks up at him.

He blocked her and side stepped her oncoming thwack, "Its best you don't," he said as she struck him lightly on his shoulder to let him know she could have done damage with that blow, "And I like that."

Teyla smiled and stopped suddenly, "If you do wish to talk?" she tilted her head to the side, "you know where I am." She swung out the sticks he backtracked, tripped on the edge of the mat and fell onto his back.

From the floor he rolled over and said, "Yeah, you'll be kicking my butt."

She held out her hand to him and he gripped it firmly, pulling himself up into a standing position and arching his back.

---------------

Sheppard had felt himself growing more and more irritable as the day wore on and he could no longer keep up the façade that he wasn't in any kind of good mood.

People actually stepped back against the walls as he walked down one of the corridors.

He'd been working steadily through out the day, not wanting to sit down for more than a second for his mind to start tracing over events. Avoiding Mckay and Elizabeth had been easy enough.

It was only when he felt the hunger pangs in his stomach that he realised he hadn't eaten all day.

He entered the Mess hall to raucous laughter and he could see that a number of the military had gathered to have their dinner together. Some were off duty and enjoying a little drink, whilst the others just shared in the boisterous stories.

Sheppard picked up his tray and put food on to it mechanically before sitting down on the far side of the room next to the window. He was in no mood for being jovial right now and the whispers and quick glances confirmed his men knew the same.

As he forced food into his mouth he listened to the conversations of his men.

"What a year huh?" one of them was saying.

Sheppard raised his eyebrows as he listened. _Certainly had been_.

"Can you believe where we are?" one guy said loudly, "We're in a freaking floating city."

Somebody laughed, "It's just like a big house boat. I've got one in Cape Cod," he said.

"Yeah but this one is a bit bigger," somebody said.

Sheppard shovelled some of the potato like substance into his mouth and continued to listen.

"Think of everything that's happened, man that's a lot of shit."

"And I thought the in-laws were problematic."

"In-laws or the wraith. I know which one I'd take on," somebody shouted over their laughter.

Sheppard continued to eat, his eyes focused forward but his ears waiting for the inevitable change in topic.

"Hey Stewart, you served with Sumner didn't you?"

"Sumner man," and there it was, "Yeah he was decent."

Sheppard continued to chew but the food he was eating had lost all appeal suddenly. He dropped his fork and stared forward. He didn't want to move just yet.

"I could have done a better job than what we got stuck with." Somebody said quietly and Sheppard couldn't help but feel a sting of hurt at the words.

Sure, not everybody would like their boss and he wasn't going to get on with everyone either. Just take Bates and Kavanagh.

They were being shushed but people were sniggering, "I'd like to give it a go."

Sheppard shot up out of his seat and dumped his tray of food into the nearest bin, but it wasn't before hearing someone mutter, "Man you made him leave." There was a ripple of laughter and Sheppard stopped, took in a deep breath and turned around to them.

"Hey," he said trying to be light and casual.

"Uh hey," said the guy who had been doing most of the talking.

"Did I mention you're on sewer duty tomorrow?" He crossed his arms across his chest and the Captain stood up quickly, "Sir, what we were-"

"I get it," said Sheppard, "You wanted Sumner to be the CO," he scanned his eyes over the rest of the table where these apparently butch and manly military men were suddenly looking like reprimanded children.

"Sir," the man started.

"I'm the CO." he said.

"Yes Sir," the man in front of him said.

Sheppard turned away and it was one sentence which pushed him over the edge.

One sentence drove him to his breaking point.

It was along the lines of him having a fledging mental grip.

At that point he did, because he saw red, turned swiftly on his heel and grabbed the Captain by his shirt collar and hauled him close, "Spend a day in my shoes and you'll know what its like being me," he said.

"I'm sorry."

"You know you all bitch and moan but try being here," said Sheppard, "I didn't ask for this."

He let him go and gave him a shove back so hard his butt landed on the table and he knocked over his drink, "I'm sorry Sir, we were just talking."

Sheppard tried to will himself to uncurl his fists and calm down. "Just talking," he said.

Sheppard nodded and took a step back.

Control, he needed to be in control.

The rumour mill would be going into over drive now and there was only one thing to blame.

-----------

As Sheppard walked to the chair room his mind wandered over to yesterdays events. The last time he had walked down this corridor he had barely even known he was there. Beckett had been guiding him forward, tugging his elbow here and there to get him to go in the right direction, but it was like he hadn't really been there.

The worst thing in all of this was that he had closed this specific door. He had put it all away and dealt with the various repercussions as best he could.

Reopening this door would be more damaging for his friends than it was for him.

He really did know that in War _friendly fire_ was a common mistake and as a result of that some soldiers couldn't take the strain and resorted to extreme measures to rid themselves of the bad dreams and memories.

Sheppard had been lucky because he had come through it alive.

He had never said to anyone he was a hero and he thought the black mark on his file pretty much spelt that out to anyone who had the misfortune to read it. There was no need to talk about it, burden others with his bad memories and make them feel that misplaced sense of guilt they could never comprehend. There was no need to go over it all again to try and think how things could have been different.

He reconciled it in his own mind by vowing every year since Davey died he would stop and think about the man and his family.

Sheppard finally walked into the chair room and as the lights flashed on, he walked over to the chair and shook his head, "And I thought you were an easy chair," he muttered to himself.

He paced around it, rubbing his chin and lightly skimming over the back of the chair when he passed it.

Sometimes the Ancients seemed too clever for their own good.

Sheppard stopped finally. He felt eerily calm.

The chair was his enemy and he had come to destroy it. It was that simple.

He pulled out his gun from his calf holster and aimed it at the screen.

This screen was responsible for showing his friends the horrors of his memories in graphic, bloody detail.

Beckett was a Doctor, so he was no stranger to the efficacy of a bullet to the head, but he was sensitive and cared deeply about his patients. For him watching Davey's slow mental decline would only have reminded him that medical science could only go so far.

Elizabeth, she was innocent. Not so innocent that she didn't know this kind of thing happened in war, but innocent enough not to have to see bloodied bodies.

And lastly Mckay. Mckay should never have had to see what he did. Not for the second time in his life. Gaul had been too much and Sheppard was angry that he hadn't been able to turn the damn machine off or at least edit his own memories.

Perhaps he could understand why Sheppard had been reluctant to talk about the scientist's death and reluctant to show empathy.

He shook his head and in a single shot the screen broke and glass fell to the chair base.

Next he shot the chair controls a couple of times and for good measure shot out the main console at the base of the chair and pulled out its vital control crystals.

After that he was running. His legs were pumping as fast they could, lungs burning with the assault of oxygen and cold air, hands gripping the control crystals so hard that they had cut into his hands.

When he finally stopped he was in an area he knew nobody came, or if they did, he didn't know about it.

It was an area of the city which had been damaged by the storm so areas of it were unstable.

Sheppard wasn't going to stay long. He looked at the control crystal stained with his blood and laughed at the irony of it all.

He had jumped out of the chair to get away from the images and in doing so he had forced himself to confront them again.

He laughed and pulled his arm back as hard as he could and threw the crystals out to the body of water under the city.

He examined his hands and wiped them on his trousers before turning around and starting for the door and out to the more populated corridors.

He took a step forward and floor below him creaked.

He managed an 'Oh shi-' before the floor gave way.

He dropped hard, his ribs caught on the edge of the hole and then he continued his decent. He was stopped by a hard surface which he guessed was a floor and felt pain in his shoulder flare up.

The one which held the scar.

He activated his earpiece and coughed as dust floated down from above. As he lay on his back he waited for the inevitable chatter from the gateroom and he said quietly, "Yeah, I'm gonna need some help," and continued to lie there, still and panting hard.

**TBC**

_I'm going somewhere with all of this and have a definite plot which explains a bit more of his back story, so keep reading please. I will update steadily now and even over Christmas._


	10. Chapter 10

Sheppard closed his eyes as Beckett wrapped up his chest tightly and put his arm into a sling. It was only when all of the fussing had stopped did he finally reopen them.

Beckett was standing across from him with his arms crossed, "You fell," he said with a shake of his head. Sheppard's resulting injury seemed somewhat unbelievable without the context of gun fights or wraith. To simply have fallen, in Beckett's book, was remarkably normal and slightly out of place for Atlantis.

Sheppard nodded and felt a twinge in his back, "Yeah, the floor gave way beneath me and.." he raised his good hand and made a downward motion, "Right down onto my back." He smiled, "Kind of embarrassing huh?"  
Beckett rearranged some of the fabric on the sling, "Don't see why you were out that way in the first place. If you knew it was unstable and all."

Sheppard tried to move away from Beckett's hands, "Yeah well this is a major told you so," he said tilting his head down to the sling, "And it hurts like hell so I don't need the lecture."

"I'm not surprised you're in pain. You fractured a rib and dislocated your shoulder," said Beckett, "I can prescribe you some pain medication to help with that."

Sheppard groaned, "Its okay Doc I won't need them. I need to be clear headed at the moment." He shifted against the dull throb and found his eyes narrowing despite his attempts to hide his apparent pain.

"It can't hurt for you to have some with you," said Beckett picking up his chart and writing something down, "I'll give you some Percocet, and we'll see how you get on with it."

Sheppard nodded to placate the Doctor but he still had no intention of taking them.

"I know I don't have to tell you, but no alcohol with these okay?"

"Yeah Doc, I've heard it all before."

"I'm sure you have," said Beckett walking over to the meds cabinet and retrieving a bottle.

"Thanks by the way for not confining me to the infirmary," he said.

"You're injuries are manageable and non life threatening, provided you remain immobile."

Sheppard looked truly miserable and Beckett didn't think he would have to tell him twice.

"You figure out what that glitch was in my file yet?" asked Sheppard trying not to jar his shoulder.

Beckett walked back over to him, "No, why? Do you know something about it?"

Sheppard pursed his lips, "No." he moved to the edge of the bed, "So, am I good to go?"

"Aye you are, but I want you to rest regularly and refrain from taking part in any activity which will jar your shoulder. That means no one handed stick fights with Teyla, no touching gizmos for Doctor Mckay and definitely no going off world until this is completely healed."

Sheppard's feet hit the floor and he gritted his teeth against the aches and pains which assaulted his limbs, "I don't think I'm in any danger of doing any of that," he said shuffling towards the door, "Thanks Doc."

"Ah, Don't forget these," said Beckett jogging over to him and handing him a bottle of pills, "Only take one a day and only when you are in pain." He smiled and gave Sheppard a gentle pat on his good shoulder.

Sheppard was just about to go out into the corridor when he narrowly missed Elizabeth barrelling in. She stopped inches from his bad arm and she held her hands up, "I just heard, what happened?"

Sheppard looked down at his feet and sighed, "I fell down a hole."

Elizabeth looked confused and she looked over his shoulder to see Beckett's expression.

"You can't make this stuff up," said Sheppard dryly and he started to shuffle out of the room.

Losing Elizabeth wasn't an option as he could only move at a snails pace so he wasn't surprised when she fell into step beside him, "You mind if I walk with you?"

"Sure," he said as he continued to move stiffly.

"We've not really talked since…" she smiled and stepped out of the way of an oncoming soldier.

"Sir."

"Lieutenant," said Sheppard in greeting but it came out pained.

The Lieutenant gave him a strange look up and down and then walked on quickly.

"What was that all about?" she asked as she took up her place beside him again.

"Nothing," said Sheppard not meeting her eyes. He knew it was because of yesterday when he had lost his temper in the mess hall. That Lieutenant had been sat at the table and witnessed it all.

Elizabeth attempted to continue her previous line of conversation, "We haven't talked since the chair and I wanted you to know that I haven't been avoiding you."

Sheppard continued to walk, his good hand running along the walls to keep him steady, "I didn't think you were avoiding me."

"Well you've been avoiding me then," she said looking over to him and wiling him to look back, "Because we've hardly spoken."

"You don't have to talk to me about this," he said, gritting out the words.

"I don't?" she said seemed relieved.

Sheppard nodded, "I'm okay, really."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, are you?"

She didn't seem convinced by his answer but she also didn't want to answer his question, "So how did you get out of the infirmary?" she said changing the subject quickly.

"Beckett thinks I need space," he said.

"So you didn't moan at him until he let you go?"

"Well that too," he said.

-----------

Elizabeth had escorted Sheppard back to his quarters and on closing the door, the days events finally felt as if they were catching up with him.

He sat down on his bed making sure to keep his back perfectly straight and set the pills Beckett had given him to the side.

He didn't like taking the things. They often made you feel worse than you did before and he maintained that he wanted to stay clear headed despite the fact that if there was an actual emergency he would be as useful as a chocolate tea pot.

He was just lying back in bed when his door opened and Mckay walked in.

"I really need to get my locks changed, "Sheppard muttered whilst attempting to sit back up, "What do you want?"  
"I just went down to the chair room," he said crossing his arms across his chest and jutting his chin out, "Do you know what I found?"

Sheppard rolled his eyes, "Mckay, if you hadn't noticed I've had a real bad day so could you wrap this up already?"

Mckay pursed his mouth to begin talking but then stopped and with a puzzled expression he said, "What _did_ you do?"

"I fell down…I fell, okay."

Mckay's face returned to his previous anger laced expression and he held up a finger, "The chair was destroyed and the control crystals had been removed."

Sheppard raised his eyebrows and attempted to feign surprise, "Really?"

"Don't think I didn't see that look. Why did you do it?" he asked pacing back and forth.

Sheppard groaned and put a hand over his eyes, "You really have to ask?"

"Yes."

"You're just pissed because I broke your new toy," said Sheppard, "It was dangerous."

"The wealth of knowledge we could have gathered from it outweighed its-"

Sheppard snapped his eyes open and managed to get up onto his good elbow, "Say it Mckay," he said through painful breaths, "It outweighed the dangers? I don't think you would be saying the same thing if it had been you in that chair reliving Gaul's death."

Mckay's mouth gaped open and even in the dimmed light Sheppard could see the hurt in his eyes and paling features. Mckay dropped onto the chair beside his desk, "Well that was uncalled for."

Sheppard sat up again, cursing his inability to move with his usual ease and summoned the strength to talk, "Rodney, look. I'm sorry okay but I couldn't let you use it. I proved it's a bad idea from the start, and I know you. You'd get some other poor sap to sit in it."

"There was a lot of diagnostic equipment attached to it that you managed to shoot out. Did I mention we cant just materialise these things from the sky."

Sheppard eyed the pills on the side table and debated internally whether to take one. The throbbing in his shoulder was reaching epic proportions by now and he was dead tired. "I'm sorry. I had a bad day, I took it out on the chair." The words had to be forced out and Mckay didn't miss it.

He stood up and walked over to the pills, picking them up, "If you're in pain why don't you take one of these?"

"I don't want to take them," said Sheppard, "They make you feel like crap."

"Well don't you feel like crap now?" asked Mckay throwing them at him.

Sheppard caught them with his good hand but still managed to jolt his shoulder. He let out a little yelp and held in his breath until the throb had subsided.

"Son of a –" he murmured.

Mckay had gone and got him some water and was passing him a glass when he looked up to finish his expletive, "You'll thank me later," said Mckay.

Sheppard rolled his eyes and took out one out and eyed it with contempt.

"Stop being a baby and just take it," said Mckay with a sigh.

"Will you go then?"

Mckay nodded.

"Fine," and he popped the pill into his mouth and swallowed it down with the water, "You happy?"

"No," said McKay, "But don't think this is over."

"Night Rodney," said Sheppard.

As soon as Mckay had left Sheppard moved as fast as his injury would allow, into the bathroom, positioned himself over the toilet and hooked a finger down the back of his throat. The action caused him to wretch and his eyes to water but finally he threw up the recently swallowed tablet.

---------

He woke up in the middle of the night in agony.

It didn't help that his injured rib was on the side that his arm had to press down on and he was beginning to think that him convincing Beckett to let him recover in his quarters was a bad idea.

He rolled over and felt the pain ignite again as his nerve endings screamed out for relief.

Through the haze he picked out the pills on the side and groaned.

To think he could just breeze through his recovery was insane and it was clear that right now he needed medical intervention.

"Ah crap," he said resignedly.

He plucked a pill out of the bottle and swallowed it quickly.

He settled back onto his bed and closed his eyes as he waited to slip into medicated bliss.

--------------

The days up till the removal of the sling and his actual freedom were passing excruciatingly slowly and Sheppard had taken to wandering Atlantis's halls.

He stopped outside the gym and peered in. There was nobody there so he walked in, brushing his hands lightly over the various equipment and wishing he could use it.

He picked up a small dumbbell with his good arm and started doing a few repetitions. This small burst of adrenaline felt good and it was only matched at the moment by the percocet he took to cure his pain. It dawned him that if that was the only joy he was getting out of life at the moment it was pretty sad.

"Should you be doing that?"

Sheppard turned sharply and dropped the dumbbell to the floor with a clang. At the same time he had narrowly missed his foot, but the process of dragging it back had meant he bent and jarred both his shoulder and his rib, "Crap," he muttered as the pain drove him to dizziness.

Teyla walked over to him, and guided him over to a window seat at the corner of the room, "Is that better?" she asked as he got comfortable.

"Yeah," he said. "You took me by surprise."

"I'm sorry Major." She said and rubbed his back.

"That's okay Teyla. I know you weren't intentionally trying to scare the life from me."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Silence had never been uncomfortable for them and that was one of the reasons Sheppard liked her so much.

With Mckay if there was a lull in conversation and there was silence, Mckay would have to fill it and usually it would be with him talking incoherently about anything that popped into his head.

Sheppard continued to stare down at the floor. His mind drifting back over the passed week and he shook his head. Everything he had purposely tried to hide was now coming out into the open.

"You seem troubled."

"I do?"

Teyla touched his knee, "Yes."

"I guess I do have a lot on my mind."

"You know, the Athosian's believe that keeping emotions and secrets hidden is bad for the soul. It creates difficulty in death and can make the journey to the next level difficult. Perhaps it would help to talk."

"Sounds familiar. Unfinished business. Are you sure you're not just saying that to get me to tell you what happened?"

Teyla gave him a lopsided smile, "I admit to feeling left out lately."

Sheppard cast his eyes over her and wondered whether telling Teyla about his past was a good idea. He took in a deep breath and started talking, "Lets just say I made some mistakes. Back on Earth, War unfortunately is a big part of our culture. I messed up. I should have followed orders but I didn't and I dragged an innocent man into the equation."

"You got in trouble?"

"Yeah and this soldier, Davey, he couldn't handle.." he paused, "He killed some people he shouldn't have and he killed himself."

"You feel responsible?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"And you were there?" she asked reading his expression correctly.

Sheppard nodded, "One of the single most horrific things I had seen in my life. That is until I saw Colonel Sumner die." He rubbed at his face.

"And now everybody has seen it," she said touching his knee.

"To have your insides exposed like that," he shook his head and tried to ward away the memories of that particular day, "I thought I could keep it hidden."

"These people are your friends," she said with a soft smile, "And they have not spoken any different of you since that day."

"Yeah still saying how much of an ass I am right?" he asked.

"I think you underestimate them. I sensed even they were upset by what they had seen."

"Really?"

"Really."

Sheppard chewed on his lip thoughtfully. "What do your people think of suicide?"

Teyla stood up and started pacing, the subject matter obviously making her nervous, "We don't believe in it," she said.

"But it must happen," said Sheppard sitting up straighter to relieve the tension in his back.

"Rather than suicide it would be called sacrifice. To give your life for another for instance. But amongst my people we don't turn against ourselves. To commit suicide is considered an insult to those who die unwillingly at the hands of the wraith and to those that sacrifice themselves to save others against them."

"Well it happens on Earth still," he stood up.

"Then I am very sorry for you," she sat beside him again, "I am glad you told me."

"Well you got the censored version," he said.

"All the same. As a friend."

Sheppard stood up with a groan, "You eaten yet?"

"No."

"Fancy some?" he asked waggling his eyebrows, "I've just got to go to the infirmary to get some more of my pain meds. I'm sure McKay's hidden them from me."

Teyla stood up and put her arm in his, "I will walk with you."


	11. Chapter 11

-------------

**THREE WEEKS LATER**

Elizabeth had been walking to her office when she heard the commotion from the mess hall. From what she could hear people were clapping and cheering.

Her interest piqued she walked down towards the noise and peered in.

The last thing she had expected to see was Sheppard stood up on one of the tables and juggling.

She walked further into the room and leant against a nearby pillar, watching the man as he continued to juggle. Finally he stopped, catching the fruit in his hands to a round of applause, "And that…." He said, "Couldn't have been done last week." He smiled and bowed to the people in front of them.

He noticed Elizabeth and jumped down off the table and pushed through the disbanding crowd to get to her, "Hey," he said tossing her an apple.

She caught it and rolled it around in her hands, "You know I'm tempted to ask if you've been drinking," she said with a smile. She couldn't quite decide if this sudden cheerfulness of his was a good or bad thing. She had noticed his mood steadily increasing over the passed few weeks, but she and the others also felt it was symptomatic of denial.

"I couldn't do _that _drunk," he said biting into an apple, "No I'm just happy," he said bounding over to one of the tables and putting down the orange he also had, "As you can see I am finally free of injury." He raised a quizzical eyebrow and made a show to move his arm.

The three weeks had passed in haze of boredom. Sheppard had spent a lot of that time in his room, but being isolated to his room had forced him to deal with the chair events mentally and it helped not to be in pain. The pain medication he had been so against taking had worked wonders and the only matters to be resolved were the non physical.

"I can see," she said, "I'm just surprised I guess."

His facial features seemed to drop from the manic smile he had and down to what she would consider normal for him, "Why?"

She walked away from the throng of people behind them and he followed her out into the corridor where she kept her tone light, "I'm really happy to see you looking…well happier but Beckett says you haven't spoken to him about what happened and we've hardly seen you in weeks."

"I've been recovering," he said leaning against the wall. "And they were Beckett's orders."

"I know that John, but I have a responsibility to ensure that you're not just glossing over what happened."

His eyes conveyed recognition of what she was trying to say and he let out a small laugh, "I'm not in denial Elizabeth," he countered making sure to use her first name, "I'm just in a good mood."

She didn't look so convinced. "You look on edge."

"I've been in my room for three weeks with nothing but the chair and its damn ramifications to think about. I have a little nervous energy okay. You want me to go to talk to Beckett, I'll go now."

She shook her head, "I don't mean it like that."

"I don't need to talk to Beckett. He's cleared me health wise so I'm set to go to work now and to forget this all ever happened."

------------

Mckay was looking over the only data from the chair which hadn't been destroyed in Sheppard's reckless display.

He shook his head, Sheppard was right. He would be bitching too if he had had to see Gaul's death again. The first time was enough and he had had to go through all of that alone. Sheppard hadn't wanted to go into it too much. He even remembered on telling him he had shared a moments minutes of silence and then had immediately started talking about the ship and how it needed repairing.

Mckay was just about to settle down to more work when he heard somebody whistling as they came down the corridor. He was just about to shout out a snarky comment when the owner of the irritating whistle bounced in and started talking immediately, "Hey Mckay."

"What are you doing up at this time?" asked Mckay checking his watch.

"Couldn't sleep," said Sheppard walking over to the central table and starting to pick up one of the devices there, "I guess I'm excited about tomorrows mission."

"Really?" asked Mckay jumping up from his seat and snatching the device out of Sheppard's hands.

He picked up another device and walked away from Mckay whilst attempting to activate it, "Well not looking forward to it in the sense of the mission, but stepping through the gate, getting off Atlantis," he smiled and held up the device, "Any idea what this is?"

Mckay shook his head and started to gather up the equipment on the table to stop Sheppard from picking it up. There was something very strange about him which he couldn't put his finger on. He seemed too happy, if that was possible.

"Are you okay?" he asked returning to his stool and finding Sheppard sitting it and rotating himself round and round very slowly.

"Yeah, like I said I cant sleep." He stopped the stool and looked up at Mckay, "What?"

"You're in my seat," said Mckay.

Sheppard got up and shoved his hands in his pockets as he paced back and forth, "I wanted you to know that I'm sorry I broke your chair."

"Of course you are."  
"No really I am," said Sheppard, "But you understand why I did it right?"

Mckay looked up at him and could see that he looked agitated. His hands were continuously flexing and unflexing. "Yeah, well It doesn't matter now does it?"  
"No," said Sheppard slapping him on the back, "Because I'm okay."

"You know they all think you're in denial," said Mckay offhandedly and he continued to stare at his computer screen.

Sheppard smiled and crossed his arms, "Yeah, well……they are all wrong."

He turned and knocked some of Mckay's papers on the floor and bent down to retrieve them. Something dropped from his pocket and clattered to the floor and it was Mckay who managed to grab it before Sheppard's uncoordinated hands could get to it.,

"What are these?" he asked reading over the label, "I thought you were better now."  
Sheppard snatched them back, "Yeah I am. I forgot they were in this jacket." He looked at Mckay's expression and passed them to him. He threw them into the bin.

---------

Beckett walked into the infirmary and saw Sheppard stood next to the medical cabinet and closing it.

Sheppard turned and on seeing him he said, "You should really keep this closed, anyone could get into it."

"It was open?" said Beckett.

Sheppard nodded and walked over to the infirmary bed.

"Its that nurse of mine. She has a mind like a sieve. I tell her to get urine, she brings me blood. God knows what she would do if I told her to take someone's temperature."

Sheppard shivered at the thought and hopped up onto the bed. As a condition of returning to work he was required to have a pre-mission check up before setting off. Beckett noted how Sheppard was dangling his legs back and forth like a child, "How have you been?"

"Yeah my shoulder feels good and my rib's not so bad."

"You can rotate your arm fully?"

"Good as new," said Sheppard tapping his hands on the mattress.

Beckett nodded and put the blood pressure cuff over his arm, "No other problems?"

"Nope," said Sheppard still tapping his fingers.

"Your bps a little elevated."

"Well….. I'm all fired up on adrenaline." Said Sheppard.

"I guess that could make it rise. No dizziness or headaches? No adverse side effects from the percocet before?"  
"Nope."

"No side effects at all? Unusual."

Sheppard sighed, "Yeah okay I had a headache for a while but that's it."

Beckett nodded, "I'll keep an eye on it."

Sheppard hopped off the bed and Beckett caught his arm, "Let me just look at your eyes," he said reaching into his pocket for his pocket penlight, "They're looking a bit glassy."

"I've been staring at a computer screen all day."

"Okay, you're clear to go. But I want you to come back here when you get back in."

Sheppard nodded, "Cheers Doc."

----------------

Sheppard had never done so much walking in all his life. That's how it felt at the moment anyway. Mckay had been following the energy signal on his scanner and they seemed to be going around in complete circles. That in itself would have been bad if it hadn't been so damn hot and the terrain mercilessly unkind.

Sheppard had found his composure cracking and instead of the euphoria he had been experiencing earlier, he know found himself feeling restless and unhappy. He finally stopped mid stride and though Teyla stopped beside him, McKay continued to walk, muttering to himself under his breath.

On the realisation that he was alone, he stopped and turned back to them, "We just had a break," he said dropping his hands down to his sides.

"We've also just been past that tree," said Sheppard gesticulating with the end of his P90.

Mckay walked over to him, "How can you tell? It's a tree."

"I just _can_ Mckay," he said folding his arms across his chest and resting them on top of his weapon.

"We're close," said Mckay showing him the energy readings, "Its definitely around here, it must be hidden."

"Obviously, otherwise we have found something by now."

"Can we just look for a bit longer?" Mckay pleaded.

"Fine," said Sheppard stabbing at his watch angrily, "Spread out, see if you can find anything, keep in contact via the radio."

"What are we looking for?" asked Teyla.

"Anything which looks….peculiar," said Sheppard with a shrug. He leant in closer to her and whispered, "Look just skirt around the trees for about ten minutes, he'll soon get bored."

Teyla nodded and walked off to their left, whilst Sheppard walked to the right and Mckay on ahead.

They had been searching for longer than ten minutes when Mckay unfortunately found something and called them over to a large rock which appeared to have a small entrance, "Here," he said with a smile, "-is our energy reading."

"A rock," said Sheppard.

"Yes," said Mckay, "But its obviously an interesting and important rock."

"The words interesting don't spring to mind," said Sheppard running his hand along it.

"There's an entrance," said Teyla.

Sheppard bent down and switched on his P90 light to look into the hole.

"We should probably check it out," said Mckay, "Seems a shame when we've walked so far."

"And whose fault was that?" muttered Sheppard, "Okay, I'll go."

Mckay, as usual, didn't argue. On his first attempt his tactical vest caught on the opening and made it difficult for him to slide in. Cursing he pulled off his vest and pushing his P90 ahead of him started to squirm through the cave opening. He had scrambled a few metres when it opened out into a large walkway high enough to stand and beyond that was some kind of cavern.

"Some kind of cave," said Sheppard as he scanned around with his P90.

"Anything interesting?" he heard the reply.

"No," said Sheppard deadpan.

"No?"

Sheppard made a full sweep and was just about to turn back to the exit when he bumped into Mckay, "Jesus!" he called out, stumbling backwards and catching himself before he tripped over, "You could have given me some warning."

"Your military. I thought you were supposed to sense this sort of stuff," said Mckay looking around the cavern.

"Wheres Teyla?"

"Outside," said Mckay, "I told her to keep us covered."

Sheppard shook his head, "She wont like that," he said as he looked upwards to the craggy ceiling.

As McKay was walking around the cavern Sheppard could swear he felt a slight rumble under his feet, "Did you feel that?" he asked bracing himself on a wall.

Mckay looked around to him, "No, I didn't."

The rumbling repeated and shook the cave spraying various debris down in a cloud of dust, "Now you had to have felt that."

Mckay nodded, "Yep."  
"Mckay, is there any chance your strange readings could have something to do with that."

There was that rumbling again and Mckay watched as the scanner information peaked, "We should get out of here."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when the ground beneath them seemed to shake.

"Is it an earthquake?" Sheppard shouted over the crunching overhead.

"I don't know," shouted Mckay over the cracks above.

He pushed Mckay forward towards the exit.

"Its definitely something," Mckay shouted.

In slow motion the ceiling in front of them seemed to fall down and spew forth dust and dirt. Sheppard felt himself getting trapped under rock and Mckay beside him made a pained noise which indicated he too had been caught.

------------

Sheppard opened his eyes. He was lying on the floor beneath rubble and various sized rock. He managed to get his arms free and push away some mud which had also been bought down in the tremors. He sat up, touching his head and feeling blood on his cheek.

"Mckay?" he called out, blinking through the dirt and grime. The air was filled with unsettled dust and it was difficult to make anything out in the haze, "Mckay," he repeated.

A sound beside him, rocks falling and a cough alerted him to his fallen friend and despite the new pain in his previously healed shoulder he scrambled over to the prone form.

Mckay was still coughing, "What…hap…pened?" he asked.

Sheppard noted immediately that McKay had a nasty gash on his forehead which was bleeding stubbornly.

"I think the roof caved in," said Sheppard trying to make out where the exit had used to be. It was now blocked by the ceiling.

Mckay groaned and Sheppard helped to pull him up, "We're trapped?"

"I think so," said Sheppard. He bought his hand up to his radio, "Teyla?"

"Yes Major," she said quickly through the static, "What happened, the entrance seems blocked."

"Yeah, slight problem in here. The roof caved in."

"Can you dig yourselves out?" she asked her voice breaking up.

"I don't know, but it wouldn't hurt to go back to the gate and get some backup."

"…..v……….y……….w………..l…………….bac……..s……"

"I didn't catch that?" He waited but static awaited him. "Damn it, the connection broke up."

"Well I'm sure there must be a way out of here," said Mckay hopefully.

"We just looked around," said Sheppard, "That's the only way out."

--------------

They hadn't heard from anybody on the radio in five hours and McKay's head was still bleeding sluggishly. The cavern they were in had no exit besides the one that was inconveniently cut off and it contained nothing of immediate interest.

Mckay had taken to sitting on some of the debris and he was looking over the energy readings on his data pad, grumbling now and again about the fact that he had been convinced it was something worth investigating.

Sheppard however was sat up against the cavern wall, his eyes closed, head resting back.

Mckay had been watching the Major for a few hours now aware that he was obviously unwell.

"The energy fluctuations were obviously seismic activity," he said and tossed the data pad onto the floor, "Where are they?"

Sheppard stood up and started slowly pacing around the cave again. He had done that an hour ago and an hour before that, so he guessed it was time for him to make him feel nauseous again, "I don't know," said Sheppard and he was rubbing his arms, scratching at them as he walked. He seemed on edge somehow, agitated. Every time Mckay spoke Sheppard seemed to flinch involuntarily.

"I'm sure they're outside," said Mckay, "Right now, digging away to get us out."

Sheppard continued to rub and scratch at his arms, alarmingly till they were red raw, "The walk back to the gate was at least four hours alone," he said as he paced.

Mckay nodded and stretched out his legs, "Yeah I remember."

He continued to watch Sheppard. Something about him seemed off and he just couldn't place what that something was. He seemed distracted and Mckay was beginning to wonder if it had something to do with that chair.

"I guess that's why you never spoke to me after Gaul died," said Mckay all of a sudden. He shocked himself at his own question.

Sheppard looked over at him, blinked through constricted pupils and started the scratching again, "What?"

"I mean Gaul shot himself, Davey shot himself before that. You could have at least talked to me, showed me you understood."

"I spoke to you a bit," said Sheppard, "But I couldn't….." he didn't finish what he was saying, got distracted and walked over to the rocks, "We should get ourselves out of here. Who knows if there's enough air to breathe."

Mckay was panicked at his unfamiliar tone, "There's air," he said gulping.

Sheppard crouched down and started to pull away pieces of rock and putting it to the side.

"It's too compacted," said Mckay, "Plus we don't know what moving this stuff will do to the ceiling."  
Sheppard continued to grapple with the debris, "We need to get out of here,"

Mckay grabbed his shoulder to stop him when he tried to move a piece which was obviously too heavy and when Sheppard turned to him he could see how pale the man was and how he was sweating. Something wasn't right.

---------

Elizabeth was sitting in her office when Beckett ran in without knocking.

"What can I do for you Carson," she asked.

"I've just discovered something very disturbing," he said sitting down.

Elizabeth dropped the file she had been reading and leant forward, "What?"

"A few weeks ago in a data burst to earth I asked one of the medical team there to do some digging on Sheppard's medical file. There was a deletion point on his here. I didn't mention it because I wasn't sure if it was just an error."

"And?" She asked realising Beckett was quite shaken by what he had read.  
"In the latest data burst they told me information _had_ been deleted."  
"Beckett?"

"It says Major Sheppard developed an unnatural dependency on the pain medication given to him for his shoulder. Elizabeth, he was addicted to pain killers for over four months and I just gave him some more."

"What?" Elizabeth couldn't hide the shock she felt at receiving this information.

"I know," said Beckett, "Whoever deleted it has been totally irresponsible. Narcotic addiction is a major risk anyway with prolonged use but for a previous user," he shook his head, "Sheppard would know exactly how much to take."

"We cant be sure though," she said hopefully.

Beckett leant forward, elbows resting on his legs and sighed, "One of my nurses reported that some percocet was missing from the medical cabinet. Right after Sheppard had come in for his pre-mission check up." He looked up, "We need to get him back here right now. He was agitated this morning and I didn't see it," he hung his head and let out a shaky breath. "I should have known."

"Its okay Carson, we'll recall him."

"What bothers is me is _who_ deleted that file from his record," said Beckett looking up again.

"Well right now the most important thing is getting Sheppard back and talking to him. Maybe he knows who is responsible."

"If he has been taking the percocet and he misses a dose," he shook his head, "the onset of withdrawal symptoms is quick."

"What are the symptoms?" Elizabeth asked, worry now beginning to work its way through her body.

"They can be anything from hot sweats-"

----------

Sheppard pulled up another rock from the pile and set it aside, "Its hot in here," he said throwing another rock behind him, "Are you hot?"

"It's a little stuffy," said Mckay staring nervously at Sheppard's bruised and bloody hands.

---------

"Dizziness, headaches, depression, stomach cramping-"

---------

Mckay watched as Sheppard picked up another rock, hefted it over his shoulder and tossed it to the side. When he moved back to his previous position he seemed to sway and closed his eyes.

"You should really wait until they get to us," said Mckay.

Sheppard opened his eyes and swallowing against a wave of nausea that hurt his stomach said, "We have to get of here," he said setting himself back to his task and raking away more dirt with his bloody fingers.

---------

"And that's just some of the symptoms. Its going to be difficult getting him of them. Addictive drugs activate the brain's reward systems. The promise of that reward is very intense, causing the individual to crave the drug and to focus their activities around taking that drug."

------------

Sheppard continued to move the earth as Mckay behind him worried about his condition and repeatedly suggested he wait for them to be rescued. He stopped for a second to scratch at his crawling skin and then resumed his work.

He'd left his vest outside with Teyla. His vest contained his percocet and he needed it. He needed it to make him feel normal again and being here, trapped, was enough to make him go insane. He just had to dig his way out of here and get to the meds and then he would be fine.

----------

"They also reduce a person's level of consciousness, harming the ability to think or be fully aware of present surroundings. He _shouldn't_ have gone on that mission."

-------------

"I told you shouldn't have destroyed that chair," Mckay was saying.

Sheppard turned to him and blinked away the fog, "What?" he asked twitching and curling his fingers.

"That's why you're ill isnt it. It's a side effect of the chair."

Sheppard shook his head and returned to pulling away rock, "You're insane."

"I'm insane," said Mckay, "Have you seen your hands?"

Sheppard's face held a hint of confusion and then he looked down.

He hadn't realised his fingers were bleeding so much. One of his nails had come off and his knuckles were bruised and sore. He barely felt the pain though, just his own internal yearning for the numbness of his pills.

"Well we have to get out of here," he said looking at the rocks.

"How long have you not been yourself since getting out of the chair?"

"Shut up about the damn chair," Sheppard snapped suddenly.

A rumble above his head made him look up.

"You hear that?" asked Mckay, "We need to move back."

Sheppard watched as dust began to float down in front of him. He barely registered Mckay grabbing him by his hand and wrenching him away as more of the ceiling came down, halting any progress he had made on getting out.

"No!" he shouted as he watched pressed against the wall.

"You're not thinking straight," said Mckay helping him to sit on the floor.

-------

"He wont be thinking straight," said Beckett.

Elizabeth nodded and was about to speak when the gate activated and one of the techs called her over.

"What is it?" she asked as she walked over to the main console with Beckett trailing behind her.

"Its Teyla, she said the Major and Doctor Mckay have been trapped in some kind of cave. They need help."

Beckett sighed, "The Major certainly does."

TBC

_I found these chapters really hard to write as I wanted Sheppard's behaviour to be weird for you to suspect something was up but at the same time not guess it was the pills._

_Trying to get this finished as fast as possible without compromising my writing._

_I'm going travelling round the world for six months on December the 28th so I'll be disappearing off this site for a while, so like I said I want this finished._


	12. Chapter 12

They had been in the cave for another few hours when they started to hear the sound of rocks being moved out of the way.

"They must have bought a jumper to get here quicker," said Mckay. He was sitting beside Sheppard who had been remarkably quiet in the last couple of hours. His head was bowed and his legs were pulled up to his chest. "Are you okay?"

Sheppard didn't move.

"Sheppard?"

"I'm not really sure Rodney," he said.

Mckay arched his back in mute surprise and listened to the continuing noise beyond the rocks, "What do you mean?"

Sheppard raised his head, "Forget it."

"How can I forget it?" said Mckay, "Something's obviously wrong."

"Look Rodney, when the shit hits the fan like it inevitably will I'm going to need you to be there," he said fixing his gaze and keeping it there for a long time, "I think…I think I'm not well."

Mckay swallowed hard, "What do you mean….. sick?" His first reaction was to slide away from him ever so slowly in case he was infectious, but instead he merely said, "Was it the chair?"

Sheppard shook his head, "No."

"Then what?"

Sheppard dropped his head down onto his knees and continued his internal battle not to be ill and not to pass out. He really felt _that_ bad, "Later," he said as he tried to concentrate on his mantra of _You're okay, you're just having a bad day. You don't have a problem and when you get back you'll just stop taking the pills._

He had realised upon nearly crushing himself and Mckay that he wasn't thinking clearly. He was military and his mind was key in being alert and aware of potentially dangerous situations. He had _just_ caused a potentially dangerous situation and it scared him to death.

As if hearing his thoughts Mckay said, "Can you believe that just came down like that?" He raised his head to the ceiling where rocks were still making their way down to the cavern floor, "You should have left them where they were," he scolded.

"Really?" said Sheppard sarcastically.

"You got a death wish or something?" asked Mckay shifting beside him, "We could both be dead right now."

He was met by silence and he sighed, "Are you listening?" He prodded Sheppard with a dirty finger, "Sheppard, Did you hear me?" Still no response, "Sheppard."

"Yes!" Sheppard said snapping his head up suddenly, "Yes I nearly killed us okay. I'm fully aware of that right now thank you Rodney." He dropped his head onto his knees, "You can tell me how much of an idiot I am later on."

"That's if we get out of here," snapped Mckay.

"We will," said Sheppard bringing his hand up to scratch at his crawling arms again. No matter how hard he seemed to scratch he couldn't quite get deep enough.

"Would you stop that?" He felt a hand grip his wrist and twist it away from his arm.

Sheppard promptly pulled it back to scratch again, "It itches, leave me alone."

"You'll make it bleed."

Sheppard sidled away from Mckay and bought his hand up again.

Rocks were being moved again and a small finger of light started to streak into the cavern and bounce off the wall near them.

"You see that?" said Mckay.

Mckay stood up quickly and moved over to the hole, "We're in here," he said trying to get his mouth to the hole.

"Of course we are," he heard Sheppard mutter from behind it.

He ignored it and waited for a response. "We're coming through, you need to step back," was the reply and Mckay obligingly moved to the side.

A second later and a large bollard type construction came through the rock and let the light in, in one massive burst.

Once the dust had cleared and settled Teyla and Major Lorne stepped through, coughing as the falling dist assaulted their lungs, "You okay?" Lorne asked.

Mckay was surprised to see that Sheppard had got up from the floor and was now standing behind him. "We're good," he said.

"We came as quickly as we could," Teyla.

"You came in a jumper?" asked Sheppard trying to keep his hands down and unconsciously curling and uncurling them.

Teyla nodded, "Yes, although we will have to walk back."

"Yeah we got a lot of manpower down here and they are exhausted, plus this equipment," said Lorne.

Sheppard pushed passed them and started to walk to the exit, "That's fine. I could use some air right about now."

"I'll walk with you," said Mckay.

They reached the outside and Sheppard could see the extent of the operation.

The bollard had been rigged up to some kind of machine and a number of men were there operating it.

"Have you seen my vest?" asked Sheppard when Teyla came out of the newly created tunnel.

She walked over to where some boxes were stacked up and she reached down behind them and pulled up his vest.

"Thanks," he said and put it on, patting the pockets and feeling the comforting indentation in the front pocket.

------------

IDC received a few hours later and Sheppard and Mckay stepped through the gate.

Sheppard was surprised when he saw Beckett standing at the base of the ramp, Elizabeth by his side and a number of other medical staff flanking them.

"Thanks for the welcoming committee," he managed to grit out.

He'd resisted the urge to take another pill even though something deep inside him screamed out for blessed relief. It had been hard and it was now proving painful but he had to be hard on himself if he was going to beat this.

He placed his arms over his vest, "What's going on?"

Mckay stopped beside him, "Yeah."

Beckett took a step forward as the gate behind them deactivated, "I need to come to the infirmary with me Major," he said as two of his team walked over to Sheppard and took him by his arms.

Sheppard shrugged them off, "What's going on?"

"Major, It would be better if we discussed this in the infirmary."

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on," he said looking between Beckett and Elizabeth.

"John, we just need to talk to you and it would be better if you co operated." Said Elizabeth.

Sheppard was confused and he raised his eyebrows, "Tell me now, what the hell is going on," and he shrugged off the two holding him and took a step forward. He felt himself dizzying but managed to stay upright despite the severe vertigo he was currently experiencing.

"Major," said Beckett walking up to him and saying quietly, "I've done some digging into your medical files and I've found something out regarding the deletion point."

Sheppard swallowed against rising bile, "Really." He knew what was coming.

"Yes and you know what was deleted."

Sheppard looked down at the floor and felt those two hands again, wrapping around his arms. He struggled, took a step back, twisted down and out of their grip. At the same time his pocket had opened the bottle of pills he had consigned never to take again managed to work their way out, fall to the floor and spill across to Beckett and Elizabeth's feet. Sheppard looked up in horror and he raised his hands, "I know what this looks like," he said trying to remain calm and composed for everybody's sake, "But Its not," he finished and looked over to Mckay.

"What are those?" he asked.

Beckett stepped over the pills and crushed some of them to powder into the floor in doing so, "Percocet," he said simply and took Sheppard arms.

Sheppard walked over to the gateroom steps by his own accord but found himself quickly losing steam and he stopped and slowly sat down on the bottom step. He put his head on his knees and let out a shaky breath.

Beckett walked over to Elizabeth, "I need you to get people back to work. I'll bring him to the infirmary in a bit."  
Elizabeth nodded and looked passed him at Sheppard's still form, "Okay."

"Is he okay?" asked Mckay.

"Go to work Rodney."

"But I want to know what's going on," he said crossing his arms.

"We need to talk to him first," said Beckett quietly.

"At least tell me what's going on? It's the pills isn't it?"

Beckett licked his bottom lip and looked back to Sheppard, "I think this goes deeper than what is on the surface," he said.

Mckay nodded, "Can I come and see him later? He said he'd need me if the shit hit and the fan and I'm thinking it just did."

Beckett gave him a firm nod, "Later."

Beckett went over to where Sheppard was sitting and knelt down beside him, "We need to talk."  
Sheppard raised his head, "I'm losing it again," he said simply.

Beckett's eyes were drawn to a few people on the landing, staring down at their commanding officer in confusion, "Perhaps it would be best if we went to the infirmary and spoke about this."

Sheppard rubbed at his eyes, "I'm dizzy," he said simply, "I don't want to be dragged out of here like there's something wrong."

Beckett nodded, "If you can stand up I can support you to the nearest transporter and then we can call for a gurney."

Sheppard chewed on his lip thoughtfully and looked down at his blood covered hands, "Okay."

"Okay, stand up, nobodies watching and we'll get moving."

Sheppard pushed himself up and gripped the wall for a second to breathe through the vertigo, "When was the last time you took a pill?" asked Beckett as they slowly started to move towards the gateroom exit.

"About six or seven hours ago," he said closing his eyes and stopping to steady himself.

"And when did you start feeling the withdrawal symptoms?"

Sheppard stopped bent forward and took in a deep breath, "about three hours ago," he said closing his eyes.

"Do you feel sick?"

Sheppard nodded and answered by making a "uhum" noise.

"Okay just breathe in deep," said Beckett and he activated his earpiece, "I need a gurney to the east corridor, section c," he muttered and waited for Sheppard to straighten up, "Is it just nausea and dizziness?"  
Sheppard moved forward, "Headaches, some cramping in my side," he said as they reached the transporter.

"Okay, lets get you to the infirmary and we can have a wee chat."

Sheppard allowed himself to be guided into the transporter and he leant against on of the walls whilst they moved, "Beckett?"

Beckett turned.

"Thanks."

"That's okay." He said turning back.

"Beckett?"

"You really don't have to thank me Maj-" He would have continued but he was interrupted by Sheppard puking onto his foot, "Like I said,."

-

As Sheppard was set up in a private section of the infirmary Beckett took Elizabeth into his office and leant against the desk, "I'm going to talk to him first. Give him the benefit of the doubt," he said with a shake of his head.

"To be honest, it surprises me," said Elizabeth, "John just seem like the sort of person this happens to."

Beckett raised an eyebrow and rubbed at his stubbled chin, "Sometimes circumstance is enough," he said, "Pain medication can often cause an addiction to form. I've had patients before with no indication of an addictive personality, with absolutely no inclination to take drugs and yet still they've formed a dependency on it."

"But there are others who just take it?" Elizabeth asked.

"I don't believe Sheppard is one of those people," said Beckett,.

"Well, let me know what happens," said Elizabeth as she reached for the door handle.

"Aye I will."

----------

When Beckett had cleared the infirmary, he approached Sheppard's curtained off bed, and he had found him sitting cross legged on the bed and staring at his hands.

Beckett pulled on some latex gloves and started to clean them. He could see that the skin had been torn off at the knuckles, one of his nails had been broken and blood and grit clung to his fingers.

"I didn't realise I'd done it," said Sheppard looking up at Beckett. His eyes were noticeably glassy and he was looking flushed in the face.

Beckett continued to rub antiseptic over his wounds, "They're badly torn up," said Beckett, "I'm surprised you didn't feel it."

Sheppard returned his eyes to his hands and swallowed visibly, "I'm not feeling too good."

"That'll be the beginning of withdrawal symptoms," said Beckett and Sheppard merely nodded. Beckett cleaned up his hands in silence and bandaged over the badly torn areas. Finally he pulled up a chair next to the bed and sat down.

Still they sat in silence.

"What's been going on in that head of yours Major?"

"John," said Sheppard, "Where's Kate? I'm surprised you haven't hauled her in here yet."

"I knew you wouldn't want to talk with her here," said Beckett crossing his arms and sitting back.

Sheppard nodded and rubbed at his head, swiping away the sweat that had formed there and blinking lazily. "Where do you want to start?"

"Its up to you," said Beckett, "I've got time."

Sheppard let out a strangled laugh and sat back on the bed, resting his head against the head board and breathing deeply against the nausea that settled distractedly in the pit of his stomach, "It was never as bad as you think," he said looking up and catching Beckett's eye.

"You were taking them after Davey's death," said Beckett, "For your shoulder?"  
Sheppard nodded and regretted the movement instantly, "Yeah, my shoulder hurt like a bitch after I tore the stitches. Turns out one of the ligaments were damaged when I…" he paused and sank back further, "I tried to move Davey and..I guess I did it then." His mind wandered back to that day and even now he could feel the gentle throb in his shoulder as he remembered feeling that sickening tear, "They put me on pain meds and I was told to stay off duty for three months, the last month was all paper pushing shit that I hated."

"What happened?" asked Beckett.

"I didn't realise I was taking so many," said Sheppard honestly, "I thought I was doing fine. My shoulder was recovering, the trial was over quickly…." He stopped and sat up to reach for some water Beckett had previously put on the side, "Taking the pain meds gave me control. When my shoulder hurt all I could do was sit there and think about what had happened. When I took the medication I could at least so other stuff and pretend it never happened. That injury was a constant reminder of what had happened." He shot up straight and nearly dropped the water, "When I realised what was going on I stopped it," he said.

"You stopped it?" asked Beckett,

Sheppard nodded, "I only took them when I wasn't flying. I realised I couldn't pretend forever and that I _wanted_ to fly." He looked down at his hands and could feel that crawling sensation in his skin again, "It was a big mess but…I sorted it out."

"And now?" asked Beckett.

"I don't know," said Sheppard putting the water to the side and staring at it for a long time, "You all saw what happened, I hurt my shoulder again and…" he scrunched up his face and shook his head, "It's like history is repeating itself and when you offered me those meds I remembered how I had forgot it before and I guess I thought I could do the same again and stop whenever I wanted." He rubbed the sweat off his forehead, "I'm so stupid."

Beckett leant forward and reached out for Sheppard's leg, gave it a squeeze and settled back, "Pain medication can often create an addiction," said Beckett,

Sheppard nodded.

"We're going to have to wean you off it, but if you don't deal with the real problems at hand I don't think I can help you."

Sheppard chewed on his lip, "What problem?"

"Think about it," said Beckett.

"What's going to happen to me?" Sheppard asked.

"I don't know," said Beckett, "But we'll help you with this. Withdrawal isn't any fun but you're going to have to go through it." He stood up, "John, who deleted that information?"

Sheppard moved his head to the side and closed his eyes against the dizziness, "How did you find out about it?"

"A friend of a friend," said Beckett, "But they didn't find out _who_ deleted the information, just that it was."

Sheppard pushed himself up onto his elbows and hooked his legs over the bed despite his illness, "General Michael Sheppard."

Beckett's eyes narrowed and then he said, "Father?"

Sheppard nodded, "Yeah my dad deleted the information from my file."

Beckett pulled up that chair again and sat down, "Why would he do that?"

"You ever wonder why I never sent a message home when we actually had the chance?" asked Sheppard and he pushed himself up onto his feet. He needed to pace and release the tension he felt inside, "Well that's because my father told me that by helping me, it would be the last thing he ever did for me." He laughed bitterly and Beckett wondered whether he did it to hide the apparent hurt on his face and the coldness in his voice. He stopped and wrung his hands, "He told me he didn't want a son with that on his record, even if it wasn't as bad as it looked. He was the one who organised my transfer to Antarctica. He suggested I get the hell away from anyone who had treated me in Afghanistan and make a fresh start." He hopped up onto the bed, "He wanted me as far away from him as possible. He couldn't risk being found out."

Beckett couldn't believe what he was hearing, "It was a very irresponsible thing to do," he said angrily, "Without knowing that I put you at risk of regressing and going back to the pills."  
Sheppard held up his hands, "No, I never…..this wouldn't have happened again." He stopped and held his hands out flat, they were shaking, "Should they be doing that?"

"It's a common side effect," said Beckett breathing out heavily.

"Beckett, I don't have a drug problem. I've taken pain meds before without this happening, this is all-" He dropped his head and swayed enough that Beckett jumped up and gripped his shoulders, "I know you think that," said Beckett as he helped him lie down, "But you still took them again."

"I know," he said, "But you have to trust me."  
"You stole pills from my cabinet."

Sheppard swallowed, "I just needed to stay in….. control." He blinked heavily, "I didn't take any of them. I wasn't going to take anymore."

"I need to go and talk to Elizabeth to update her. I want you to try and rest. Nurse Andrews will be in to sit with you."

"I don't need a babysitter," Sheppard snapped angrily.

"You do and you will."

TBC

It will be finished before I go! Please Review.


	13. Chapter 13

_Next Day_

Beckett had visited Elizabeth and he had told her the bulk of the story regarding Sheppard. She had been surprised to hear that his father was responsible for both the deletion point in the file but also his relocation to Antarctica. It sounded as though Sheppard had had a tough time in the period before Atlantis and she wondered if his life had always been so traumatic.

Beckett had told her that the withdrawal wouldn't be pleasant as even though Sheppard had insisted he was done taking the tablets and had before managed to get off them, the second time around would be worse and he would be screaming out for relief by the end of it.

A groan from inside the infirmary had both Elizabeth and Mckay looking at each other with a terrified expression. Again the pained noise sounded out and a fist slammed down onto something.

"Do you think he's okay in there?" she asked as she sat across from the nervous scientist.

Mckay stood up and started pacing, "I'm going in."  
"Rodney, Carson said to stay out here for a reason."

"Sheppard needs me. He told me himself," said Mckay crossing his arms and attempting to peer into the infirmary.

Elizabeth stood now and rubbed her hands together, "He sounds like he's in pain."

Something clattered to the floor within the infirmary and Mckay finally sighed and ran in to see what was happening. Sheppard obviously wasn't happy and when he pulled back the curtain he could see Beckett crouching on the floor retrieving a bed pan and Sheppard shouting some colourful expletives.

"What's going on?" asked Mckay running over to the side of Sheppard's bed. The man looked tired beyond exhaustion and he appeared to be sporting a fever. His hands were shaking as he gripped onto the railing loosely, "I'm not going to the bathroom in that," he said pointing and lying back in bed.

Beckett emerged from the floor and looked over to where Elizabeth was hanging back and watching the commotion. "I'm _not _letting you go," said Beckett haughtily.

"I _need_ to _pee_," said Sheppard angrily, "You can come watch if it makes you feel any better but while I'm still…cognitively here.." he said waving his hands around madly, "I want to go…..Elizabeth!" he said turning and seeing her suddenly.

"How are you……feeling?" she asked taking a cautious step forwards.

"I need……" he paused, "Me and Beckett are having some _issues_, aren't we?"

Beckett walked towards Elizabeth and ushered her out of the room, "He has a fever as a result of his withdrawal, he's not thinking straight," and once they were out into the corridor he said, "He's not too happy either."

"How is he doing?" asked Elizabeth as she heard Sheppard shout something at Mckay behind her.

"He's losing some of his lucidity with the fever. He's had some stomach cramping and sickness but nothing to worry about at the moment. He'll be feeling bad for a while but Percocet has a short half life. He'll be taking half a tablet every 6 hours."

"He's still on the pain meds?" she said disappointedly.

"The rule of thumb is "the lower the slower".I cant take him off the tablets all at once.  
I'll be doing it more like 2, then 1 3/4, 1 5/8, 1 9/16." he touched her arm, "He'll be fine. He just needs to work out why he did this again."

She nodded.

Sheppard was making some noise again behind them and yet again there was the distinct clatter as equipment hit the floor.

"If you'll excuse me." He said as he raced back into the room.

He found Sheppard standing up next to the bed one hand around Mckay's neck, the other reaching for the bed rail and Mckay's hand was outstretched towards the I.V pole which lay on the floor now, "What the hell are you two doing?"

"Toilet," said Mckay feebly as he tried to hold onto Sheppard.

Sheppard pushed off the bed rail and started to walk unsteadily towards the bathroom, "Whether _you_ like it or not," he said, "I'm going to keep hold of my dignity and I'm _going_ to go in a toilet." As he walked off his gown flapped open to reveal his bareass and it was Beckett who scrambled after him to pull it tightly closed.

Sheppard shoved him off and stumbled into the toilet.

"He begged," said Mckay as he repositioned the I.V pole.

"I don't care," said Beckett putting his hands on his hips and waiting outsode the bathroom door, "He shouldn't be up at the moment. He should be resting."

"He's not really physically sick though…is he?" asked Mckay, "He's mentally unhinged."

"He's not unhinged," said Beckett sadly, "He could help himself if he realised why history is repeating itself."

"What do you mean?" asked Mckay.

Beckett opened his mouth to answer when there was a flush and the door reopened. Sheppard was helped back to bed by both men and he flopped back onto the pillows as soon as he was back to where he should be.

"Now you need to rest," said Beckett.

"I feel fine," said Sheppard.

Beckett knew that he was hiding the inner misery he most likely felt and just like nicotine addiction the urge to take the easy way out and have one of the numbing pills would be knawing away at him.

"You're not," said Mckay pulling up the covers to Sheppards chin.

He slapped at his hands and pulled the blanket up himself, "Really, I don't feel bad. Not like the first time."

"Well you will," said Beckett, "So I'd rest up. Perhaps you could get him some food Rodney."

"I'm not hungry," said Sheppard.

"I'll get him some," said Mckay and he walked out of the room.

Out in the corridor he slumped against the wall and took in a deep breath.

------------

Mckay dropped the tray down noisily in front of Sheppard and some of the soup within the bowl slopped out onto the side.

Sheppard snapped his fever addled eyes and brain into action and eyed the soup with a disgusted look on his face, "Have I just been sick in that bowl?"

Mckay sighed and dropped down into a seat next to the bed, "Its pea soup. I think there are little croutons in it too." He had a bowl himself and set it aside to cool.

Sheppard picked up a spoon and circled it around the swill, "Where's the smiley face?"

"You didn't appreciate my artistic talents before so I figured this time you could go without."

"Well if it hasn't got a smiley face, I'm not _eating_ it," said Sheppard pushing it away and groaning as his stomach did a roll. Either way he wasn't going to eat it.

"You just don't want to eat it," said McKay, "I was afraid of this," and he took the soup away and replaced the bowl with a silver bag, "Open it."

Sheppard squinted against the light that came off the bag and with a deep breath he pulled it open and looked inside, "Turkey."

"Your favourite."

"Usually," said Sheppard now rejecting this heavenly sandwich.

"What about some.."  
"Rodney, I'm not hungry!" Sheppard snapped suddenly. He immediately put a hand over his eyes as he had jolted his head and reawakened the headache he had managed to shift, "_Shit_," he muttered as his stomach continued to feel unsteady, "I'm sorry, just stop showing me food, talking about food, eating food." He opened his eyes and watched as Mckay took a bite of the sandwich and then slurped some of the green soup off the spoon. It would have been enough to send anybody over the edge but amazingly he kept himself fairly controlled and merely groaned and slunk back into the bed, "You're _killing_ me," he said holding his stomach as a ripple surged through it.

"You okay?" asked Mckay.

"Stomach cramps," said Sheppard rolling onto his side and knocking the tray to the floor, "They come and go." He clenched his teeth together and gripped the rail, "The worst thing is, is I know…." He pointed at the medical cabinet across the room, "I know..what could help is in there," he breathed in sharply and rolled onto his other side, "Talk."  
"What?" Mckay said.

"Talk about anything. Who do you hate in the lab this week? Anything."

Mckay realised that he needed a distraction and he settled back to eating his soup and started talking, "Kavanagh. He stole my stool."

"What?" Sheppard managed to grind out, "Stool?"

"Yeah, it was there one minute and then next…poof……gone."

"You..sure…?" said Sheppard and he sat up stiffly, hunched over and pushed his hand into his side, "You sure it wasn't Radek?"

"No, it was Kavanagh..bastard," he said through a spray of bread, "I mean, that guy is an ass."

"No kidding," said Sheppard and he sat back as the pain passed for the minute.

"Better?"

"Yeah,…" he breathed in slowly and sighed, "I'm a _mess_."

"Well that's a given." Mckay joked but his eyes held an edge of seriousness, he watched Sheppard despite his knowledge in the hopes he was showing the signs of being anything but a mess.

"No..I am. I let you all down."

"How so?" asked Mckay pushing his food to the side, "-because you need a little help?"

"Ha," Sheppard said, "I did this. Me."

"You ever stop to think why?" The Scottish brogue permeated the room and both men looked around to the kindly Scot, "How are you feeling?"

Sheppard shifted in the bed, "Stomach cramps again," he said as he felt the heat fire up on his body again. Beckett took out his thermometer and popped it into his ear, "Rodney bothering you?"

"Hey!" said Mckay.

"No," said Sheppard, "I need someone to distract me and McKay's pretty annoying so…" he shifted in the bed as his stomach clenched, "Ow,"

"Your temperature's up again," said Beckett with a shake of his head, "I'll give you some fluids so you don't get dehydrated."

"Great, good," said Sheppard as he stared off at some point in the room.

"Only a few more days now. You're lucky you weren't taking enough pills for this to last weeks."

Sheppard sighed, "I'm considerate that way," he said as he was hit by a sudden flush of pain and intense nausea. He sat forwards and put his hand over his mouth.

Beckett rubbed his back, "Breathe."

"I'm breathing," said Sheppard as Mckay stood up.

"Where are you going?" asked Beckett.

"If he's going to…..look the soup looks like…." He put a hand up to his own mouth, "I'll be back later."

----------------------

He'd done this to himself, he knew that.

He was responsible, just like for everything here in Atlantis. In his feverish dreams Sumner, Everett and Ford's images swam in front of his eyes and mocked him.

Told him he had made bad decisions, told him he was responsible for Davey's death. Told him he had been responsible for Ford and let him down.

Davey was young and a member of his team and so had been Ford. They both paralleled each other remarkably and he had let both of them down in one way or another.

He rolled over in the bed and reached his hands out to where he thought his bed side table was. The percocet was there and where as before his fingers had curled around a plastic bottle this time they curled around something warm and fleshy. A hand.

"Its okay John," A hand swept through his hair and the voice was strangely familiar, "You're okay."

"Mum?" he said and opened his eyes. He blinked a few times to clear the sleep from his eyes and to try and assemble some kind of order in his brain.

It was dark but some light illuminated dark eyes and hair, "Elizabeth," he said moving his face towards her hand and gripping it tightly.

"You were having a nightmare," she said as she noticed his pale face and shaking hands on hers. She attempted to still them, but she found the tremors escape to her own fingers like minute vibrations.

"Cold," he said and she reached up and pulled the blanket up to his chin.

"You're fever is spiking," she said and looked towards Beckett's door where he had only just gone to get some sleep.

"Pain," he said still clasping her hand in his.

Elizabeth almost wished she could get him something to stop the pain, but knew this was the only way for Sheppard to heal. She knew what they had seen on that chair screen must have been traumatic for him but everything which followed seemed like an even worse chain of events.

He had been reluctant to come with them to Atlantis and she wondered if this was one of the reasons, "You're okay," she said shushing him and still moving her hands through his hair.

Moaning and legs writhing under the covers as he sweated out his fever, he looked so vulnerable and young. He reminded her of her younger nephew. She had gotten him back to sleep in the same manner, by talking to him soothingly and running her fingers through his hair. She thought it was working on Sheppard until his eyes snapped open and he leant over and started heaving.

"Beckett!" she called out as she continued to hold his hand.

Sheppard was choking and spitting bile onto the floor when Beckett ran into the infirmary from his office, rubbing at his eyes, "What's going on?"

She nodded down to where Sheppard was leaning over the side of the bed, gripping her hand for all its worth. Beckett ran to her side and helped Sheppard back onto the bed. His eyes were already closed and his fingers were loosening around hers. He was pale and sweaty from the exertion.

"It's okay," said Beckett tucking him back in.

Elizabeth watched the scene before her with an eerie detachment and it was only when Beckett finally asked if she was okay that she felt her shoulders sag and a sob escaped her.

Beckett put his arms around her and guided her into his office where he knew Sheppard would not be able to hear her.

"Here," he said handing her a tissue.

She took it and wiped at her eyes as she tried to control her emotions, "How did this happen Carson?"

"The second time is worse round. Percocet makes you feel a thousand times better, but the good news is they seem to be easier to get off, maybe it's the psychology of them being controlled or… I don't know." He paused, "Look, he's going through the worst of it right now and after that…he'll need support."

"My commanding Officer is a drug addict, "she said.

"No," said Beckett coming to kneel beside her, "Narcotic addiction and pain medication addiction is different.."

"He just looks so.." she rubbed at her eyes.

"We're all tired. But Sheppard's a fighter. I know he looks bad now but give him a few days."

"Beckett!" he heard the frantic cry from the infirmary and he got up, knocking the tissues to the floor as he sped passed Elizabeth.

"What is it?" asked Beckett,

Sheppard was clutching his side and leaning over the rail again, "It really _fucking_ hurts," he said through clenched teeth. He dropped his head onto the cool railing and tried to breathe in short burst.

"I know," said Beckett as he tried to soothe the broken man.

"Cant you.." he looked up with pleading eyes and paled, "I need something to stop the pain…my side feels like its on fire."

"You know I can't do that," said Beckett helping Sheppard lie back.

Sheppard bought his hand up and shoved his hands away, "Well if you _wont_ help then go ……away."

"You know the rules," said Beckett, "You've been here for three days and you're down to one pill. You have to go through the pain."

"_You_ go through the pain," ground out Sheppard and he groaned, "I don't want you to see me like this," he said as he rolled away. He bought his hand up and smashed it down onto the side of the railing.

"If you don't stop I'll have to restrain you."

Sheppard stopped moving for a moment and Beckett thought the threat had worked but instead Sheppard sat bolt upright and tried to push him aside, "I need to get out of here."

"Lie down."

"What's going on?" Elizabeth walked out of the office and up to the two grappling men, "John?"

"I _need_ to get out," he said feebly and stopped his fighting.

"You're going to lie down and close your eyes and that's an order," said Elizabeth walking over to him and pushing him back.

Sheppard's eyes connected with hers and he shook his head, "You can't _order_ me."

"John," she said more softly now,

He looked at her momentarily and lay back down, moving against another spike of pain, "I'm hot," he said as he pushed off the covers they tried to put over him.

"I'm going to restrain you," said Beckett and Sheppard stiffened.

"No,"

"John," said Elizabeth.

Again his glassy eyes met hers and he nodded, "Okay."

"Right," said Beckett putting the restraints on loosely, "I know it hurts but tomorrow you'll feel better."

----------------

Sheppard could feel the restraints being removed in the morning and he lay there, blinking up at the ceiling and feeling the same stab of pain in his abdomen which had caused so much trouble the night before. He still felt hot and sick, but the crawling under his skin had subsided to some extent. That at _least_ was good news.

The smell of coffee assaulted his nostrils and he blinked, "Rodney, that you?"

Mckay face popped up in front of his, "Hey."

Sheppard tried to push him away, "Go."

"Morning, grumpy," he said as he sat back down.

"Morning," he heard the Scot say and he raised his head to look at the man. Beckett looked like he hadn't slept in years.

"How are you doing? You thought anymore about what I said?"

"About what?" asked Sheppard sitting up and swaying. Everything was spinning and he figured it was from dehydration from the amount of fluid he had lost last night.

"Never mind," said Beckett.

"I feel like crap," said Sheppard rubbing his wrists, "But thanks for taking the restraints off. I guess I had a bad night."

"You don't remember?" asked Beckett.

Sheppard shook his head, "Bits and pieces. Its all a bit blurry."

"You feel up to eating?" asked Mckay.

"Always with the food," said Sheppard sinking back down into bed, "No, I just want to _lie_ here and feel _ill_ in _silence_."

----------

"He's gone. What do you mean _he's_ gone?" Mckay said when he returned from the bathroom.

The nurse in front of him was raising her hands and trying to speak to him in a language he didn't understand, "Where did….Sheppard…" he tried to mime Sheppard's hair, "Go." He said pointing his finger.

She raised her hands again.

"Why don't you speak English!"

-------------

When Sheppard had watched Mckay go off to undoubtedly get more food he took his chance and headed for the door. He still felt sick and shaky and his fever was not yet at a reasonable level but he had to get out of that damn room. He _had_ to get out.

He'd stopped by his room and grabbed his handgun and somehow ended up in the men's communal washroom. He walked over to the shower area and sat down with the weapon.

_**TBC**_

_**Last chapter tomorrow and this ISN'T a death fic, so please all take a calming breath.**_


	14. Chapter 14

"What do you mean he's gone?" Beckett said shooting up from his seat and looking at Elizabeth.

Mckay had just burst into her office and was panting as he tried to catch his breath, "That..nurse…the foreign one, I think she's from-"

"Rodney," Beckett warned.

"She said he wanted water and when she returned with the glass he had gone," he said leaning forwards and breathing heavily.

"We need to find him," said Beckett.

"I'll inform his men," said Elizabeth, but as she stood Beckett held out his hands.

"I think we should keep this between us for now. He cant have gone far, he still has a fever and I _know_ Sheppard. He wouldn't want his men to find him right now."

"Beckett's right," said Mckay.

Elizabeth walked over to the large pane of glass in her office and stared out of it thoughtfully, "Okay, you two go, but if you haven't found him in an hour we'll have to get help."  
Beckett nodded and pushed Mckay out of the door.

----------------

Sheppard dangled the gun between his legs and fished into his gown pocket for the pills he had taken from the meds cabinet. These little pills had caused him trouble, they had made him lose control and what's worse he had probably lost what little respect he had with his friends.

Yeah life at the moment was just _great_.

-------------

Beckett and Mckay had separated and had both taken a section of Atlantis to begin searching, "What is he doing?" said Mckay as he swung the flashlight down a dark corridor, "And where am I?" he muttered.

"Don't tell me you're lost Rodney," he heard Beckett say over the radio.

"We've checked everywhere he's likely to be and he hasn't been there, so what now?"

"My nurse said some pills were missing. If he's having a relapse we need to find him before he takes them or he could be setting himself back even further."

"He wont do that," said Mckay.

"You didn't see him last night," said Beckett, "He begged me to give him something to stop the pain."

"You claim to know Sheppard. Then _know_ he wont have taken any."

--------------

Sheppard tossed the pills over to the other side of the room and heard them hit the end wall with a clatter. The echo made him squint when it hurt his ears and he laid his head back onto the cold shower tiles.

His mind felt as if it was all over the place but he had needed to get out of the infirmary to find some semblance of clarity.

That was extremely hard when merely looking forward sent your world spinning.

"No John, you wont be sick," he said to himself as he shifted.

He lay down, letting his forehead touch the cold floor.

He was feeling hot and even the cool touch of the floor didn't seem to permeate the barrier of heat.

-----------------

"Try his radio."

"He hasn't got his radio."

"This is _Sheppard_, if he left the infirmary he'll have his radio on him."

"Rodney."

"Sheppard, Sheppard are you there." Mckay said as he activated his ear piece.

---------------

Sheppard opened his eyes briefly when he heard distant voices in his head.

He turned towards his earpiece he had bought with him. That was the main purpose of his stop at his quarters, to grab his ear piece. If he was going AWOL he at least wanted to know that if something happened he would still be able to react to it. It was his vague attempt to convince himself that he wasn't, and hadn't been, totally irresponsible. He had grabbed his weapon as an afterthought.

Mckay was trying to find him and he hadn't heard his name being called out over the tannoy yet so he presumed they must be keeping his disappearance under wraps. Thank god for small mercies, he thought.

He closed his eyes again and listened to the persistent voice.

------------

"He's just ignoring me," said Mckay, "He does that when he's not ill."

"That's if he has it," said Beckett angrily.

"I'll check his quarters again, he might have stopped by there."

-------------

Sheppard heard some scratching from the corner of the shower room and he held his breath as he listened to the noise.

He could feel sweat run down his nose and drop off the tip.

Finally he turned his head to the side to the source of the noise.

There was nothing there but his brain started to play tricks him. His mind seemed to be making connections despite his attempts not to and instead of an empty corner his mind superimposed an image of Davey's bloody body.

"No," he said slowly as he raised his head dizzily and moved back to the wall, "I'm…. hallucinating," he said scrubbing at his face. "That's it," he tried to convince himself.

Across from him Davey continued to sit, opening and closing his mouth to say something but all the while no sound was coming out.

Sheppard watched the image and remembered every sensation from that day. It made his stomach coil and cramp as he fought his visceral instincts. "I'm sorry." He said leaning back against the wall and closing his eyes. "But you don't need to haunt me, please," he said trying not to panic.

After all, hallucinations couldn't hurt you.

Well, not physically.

He'd tried to save Davey that day. Tried to talk to him as if he could solve all of his problems, but Davey was beyond saving.

He looked down at his hands and remembered when they had been covered with his blood. Red and glistening and he had sat and stared at them until they had been found. He'd been forced from the room, perhaps that's how he injured his shoulder, and taken to their equivalent of the infirmary.

Only, there were no kind words or understanding stares, just the stalwart attitude of get better and get on with it.

------------------

Beckett rounded the corner and bumped straight into Mckay. His first instinct was to shout at the man but when he saw Mckay's deflated face he thought better of it.

"I hope he hasn't done anything stupid," he said running a hand through his hair.

Mckay was looking down the corridor with wide eyes, "He won't have."

"No sign of him."

"No," said Mckay sadly.  
"I think I have a theory as to why Sheppard is doing this again," said Beckett as he started to walk down one of the corridors with Mckay hot on his heels. "I've been thinking about it as we've searched."

"What?" asked Mckay.

Beckett stopped abruptly, "There's no denying that Sheppard is usually in control and rarely shows explicit emotions. In the sense of pain, regret, he hides them well," he said despondently, "I don't think he grieved for Davey's death. I believe that when he stopped taking those pills he believed he had closed the door but really he had only stopped his addiction and not the emotional baggage which caused it."

"So, what, he hasn't accepted Davey's death so this time-"

"He's doing the same. He'll repeat this until he accepts that what happened was not his fault."

--------------

Sheppard could still hear movement on the other side of the shower room, but he also knew he was delusional.

He reopened his eyes to look across at the figment from his mind, "I'm sorry I couldn't stop you," he rasped. He thought talking to the image might make him less afraid of it.

Davey continued to stare at him, his mouth still moving.

"I thought I could help you."

"_I was always going to do it."_

Sheppard snapped his head to his right to the source of the voice and found Davey right next to him, kneeling down on the cold tiles dripping blood from his head wound onto the floor.

Sheppard instinctively moved away from the image, "You're not real."

He opened his eyes to find the image of Davey gone and to see that he was the only one in the washroom again. The blood he had previously seen drip to the floor was no longer there.

"What do you mean?" he said into the silence. His voice echoed around him, "You would _always_ do it? What the hell does that mean?"

He pushed himself up into his feet shakily and went around in a circle to seek out his fevered minds image, "You were a selfish son of a bitch," he said, "You left your wife and your son. You left your friends and me, you made me go through shit. Show your face you son of a bitch," he said letting out a groan as his stomach twisted and he went back down to his knees, "Davey."

If he hadn't of turned away and left him he could have stopped him from pulling that trigger.

"What do you mean by you would have always done it?" He dropped his head back down to the tiles and his mind reeled.

------------

"Davey must have been pretty unstable to shoot himself in the first place," said Mckay as they continued to walk.

"I'd say," said Beckett. "You hear about these kids joining the army or the Air Force because of the big guns and fast planes. They have no real concept of the reality of it all."

"And you think Davey was the same?"

"I don't know," said Beckett, "But we need help to find Sheppard. Its been an hour."

----------------------

Sheppard looked up suddenly and let out a shaky breath.

Facts which had remained buried suddenly resurfaced and hit him like a ton of bricks.

He remembered being in that helicopter on the way to the Rangers.

"_Davey, I'm know where the Rangers are." He said as he controlled the craft with practised ease. "I'm gonna drop you off a mile from the base."  
"No way man, we do this together."_

"_Don't be stupid. You have family," he remembered saying._

_Davey was already cocking his weapon and sitting forward obviously on edge, "I'm with you all the way. This is what I joined for."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Oh come on, you're like me. An adrenaline junkie. For us this is kids play."_

_He ignored the comment and tried to press the seriousness of the issue._

"_We'll probably get shot down if the Afghans see us so-"_

"_I'm doing this. Better to go out in a blaze of glory."_

Even then evidence of his unwilling to go back for his family presented itself and Sheppard continued to let his mind go over events. When he had landed the Helicopter and they had started to exit the craft _Davey was already running towards oncoming Afghans when he should have been laying cover for Sheppard to reach the Rangers. He missed the Afghans who fired on Sheppard and if he had truly waited he would have seen the Afghans were Americans. He was too eager, too trigger happy and he paid the ultimate price._

Sheppard raised his head and licked his lips. Davey had had a death wish from the start. "Blaze of glory," he muttered as he sat up.

Davey was young, inexperienced and unfortunately the idea of the Air Force had appealed to him for the heroics of war. Of course if he wasn't going to die in a fight, he was always going to turn on himself. Davey wouldn't have been found out but at his age he would have been kicked out of the army for not following the most basic of orders.

For him that was a death sentence in itself.

"Shit," said Sheppard, "Shit!"

------------

"You hear that?" asked Beckett as they walked passed one of the bathrooms.

Mckay nodded and they pushed the door too.

"I don't think we need to get anyone else involved yet," said Beckett when he saw the figure beyond the door.

-----------

"You would have always done it," Sheppard said standing up and swaying unsteadily, "Its not like the movies." He dropped his head.

He felt the hand on his shoulder and he moved back in shock. Expecting to see Davey's bloodied face he instead was confronted by Beckett, "Beckett," he said quietly. "How did you find me?"

Beckett was scanning the room and it was Mckay who picked up the bottle of pills form the floor, "Did you have any?"

Sheppard shook his head, "I didn't come here to overdose," he said as he felt Beckett's fingers tighten around his arm. "I needed space to think."

"Who…were you talking to?" he asked.

"Davey."

"He's obviously delusional," said Mckay.

"Yeah my delusion," he muttered, "Davey was here and he told me it wasn't my fault."

"I'm glad you finally realised it." said Beckett calmingly

"I know," said Sheppard nodding now, "I couldn't ever of stopped him." He said quietly, "He would have died in war either way."

Beckett touched Sheppard's shoulder, "I know." He fixed his eyes with his own, "Let it go."

Sheppard looked into his eyes, "Let go of what?"

"You know what I mean."

Sheppard stared at him for a moment and both Beckett and Mckay watched as his eyes dropped and his face contorted into an expression of pain.

Sheppard looked at the corner where he had previously seen his friend and dropped the gun to the floor with a clatter. He dropped his head down and felt the first miserable descent of a tear.

He swiped them away angrily not wanting them to fall but the sense of relief he felt in doing so nearly matched the high of those pills.

Beckett helped him to the ground when his legs went from beneath him. He could feel his face scrunching up and he wrapped his hands around his knees as he cried for his fallen friend.

Beckett sat beside him and kicked away the gun and patted Sheppard on the shoulder.

He was silent, not sobbing but merely letting out the emotion he had kept pent up for so long.

Beckett sat down beside him and crossed his legs and on the other side of Sheppard Mckay did the same.

"What are you doing?" Sheppard mumbled from within his knees.

"We're sitting," said Mckay, "I thought you were supposed to be clever."

Sheppard continued to keep his head down, What's going to happen?" he asked quietly.

"Nothing," said Beckett, "We're all just going to sit here and be quiet."

Mckay crossed his legs, "Its quite nice in here. Aside from the fact we're sitting where many diseased verucaed feet have walked." He peered to the side to see that Sheppard was wearing a gown, "And your ass is touching it all."

"Rodney." Beckett warned.

Mckay looked at Sheppard's dropped Shoulders and nodded.

"It wont be easy, but you'll be okay," said Beckett patting him on the shoulder.

------------

THE END

_Okay so I had to get this finished and I therefore apologise if some of it is..well…pants. I really didn't want to leave you all hanging._

_I thought I would finish here rather than rush it all to the end._

_Its often far more realistic to leave it with a slightly sad ending then rush and not get it right at all._

_Plus there's always a chance to tidy it up and have a sequel when I get back._

_Thank you for your reviews. I really do appreciate them and I hope you all have a fantastic new year. I'll be in New York! Yeah!_


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